Shalampax Speaks

A couple of days ago I had the pleasure—and, surprisingly, I do mean pleasure—of attending another of Toiletoverflowing’s talks on philosophy. In his lecture he endeavored to prove that a god must exist.

Here in Shalampax, we believe that Paahlm is God. Or, more to the point, we pretend to believe that Paahlm is God because Paahlmism offers lots of holidays. Other people have other concepts of God, but the specific god-belief was not germane to Toiletoverflowing’s line of reasoning.

Toiletoverflowing offered liquid-filled chocolates as his proof of a god. I don’t mean to say that he offered us real liquid-filled chocolates, but rather that he suggested that their existence proves the existence of a god.

His argument was that the inner liquid could not hold its shape without the chocolate shell. And the chocolate shell without its filling would be so flimsy as to collapse at the slightest touch. What’s more, the empty shell certainly wouldn’t survive the shipping process intact. Thus, neither the filling nor the shell could have evolved in isolation and, therefore, there must have been a god to create them in perfect synchronicity.

In the question and answer period, I pointed out to Toiletoverflowing that chocolates are made by humans and, therefore, their existence is not a proof of god.

Toiletoverflowing did not refute my argument, but, instead, listed a series of fruits that, he said, were so perfect for human consumption that they could have been created only by a god who had our best interests at heart.

Fortunately, I had my laptop computer with me and there was an Wi-Fi Internet connection in the room. It was the first time in my life I can ever remember enjoying myself.

As he named fruits that he claimed were too perfect to exist without a god, I Googled those fruits. As it happens all of the fruits he listed—every single one—had been extensively bred and cross-bred by humans. Their original, natural form was barely edible.

Man, so this is what having fun is like! I had no idea!

Finally, Toiletoverflowing offered a proof of God that I couldn’t rebut. He said that God is in beer and we should go to the pub and try to become as godly as possible to prove his hypothesis. I couldn’t argue with that, at least, not after the first dozen beers.

Philosophy God, proof of God

It had been a few weeks since Toiletoverflowing held one of his delightfully spurned lectures on philosophy, but he was back at the lectern yesterday with a rare lunchtime talk.

In the past, he has discussed some of the deepest of philosophical thought from noted philosophers of yesterday and today, and from around the world. His topics have included an examination of Pascal’s declaration “I think therefore I am.” And he has addressed some of the crucial subcomponents of classic philosophy, such as being and nothingness, epistemology and mind/body duality. Prior to yesterday, he most recently discussed one of the more common philosophical maxims, “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”

Yesterday’s talk was focused much closer to home. At his lunchtime lecture, Toiletoverflowing tackled the entire depth and breadth of Shalampaxian philosophy, right down to its finest detail.

It was a short lecture. It turns out that the complete Shalampaxian philosophy, including all of its facets, can be summed up by the question, “What’s for lunch?”

The answer yesterday was “tuna fish sandwiches.” Thanks, Toiletoverflowing, for opening our eyes to our own culture’s philosophical underpinnings. The sandwiches were delicious. I left the talk feeling very philosophical and, at the same time, sated.

Philosophy Philosophy

Many people categorize themselves and others as either glass-half-full or glass-half-empty sort of people. As a rule, Shalampaxians don’t think that way.

Our perspective on the glass-half-full or glass-half-empty attitude is, “Who the hell cares about that preposterous, pretentious bullshit. Shut up, leave me alone and let me finish my drink in peace.

“After that, if you want to buy me another round—preferably a full glass, so we don’t have to waste any time dwelling on whether it’s half full or half empty—I’ll certainly accept it.

“Then, maybe—just maybe, mind you—I’ll surrender to your insufferable need to chat about tedious inanities, but only if I’m sufficiently drunk to put up with a halfwit like you who is an even bigger idiot than I am.”

Philosophy attitude, glass half empty, glass half full, optimism, optimistic, pessimism, pessimistic, Philosophy

Next Wednesday, in meeting room 4D, Toiletoverflowing will give another of his mind-numbing talks on philosophy. I don’t think he planned it this way, but it would appear that his sessions are turning into an ongoing series, with lectures consistently held whenever the hell Toiletoverflowing feels like it.

Next week’s talk will be on the mind/body dualism theory, which falls within the philosophy of the mind. Mind/body dualism postulates that the mind and body are two distinct and separate entities.

In the interest of a full and fair examination of this theory, it should be noted that not all philosophers’ minds consider the mind/body dualism theory to be true and even fewer of their bodies believe it.

Anyone who attends Toiletoverflowing’s upcoming philosophy talk might find it difficult to hear him as he intends to let his mind give the lecture while his body goes to the pub to down a few pints of beer. With Toiletoverflowing’s vocal cords away in the pub, his mind’s speaking volume is likely to be somewhat diminished.

A part-time mind-reader, full-time charlatan will be on hand to act as interpreter for Toiletoverflowing’s mind, should the need arise.

Philosophy body, dualism, mind, mind/body dualism, Philosophy

Toiletoverflowing, one of the few people in Shalampax to have ever read a book, gave a talk on philosophy yesterday. In attendance, in fact, the sole audience member, was Dustball, Shalampax’s official and only statistician.

Considering Toiletoverflowing’s renowned speaking skills, it is not surprising that Dustball slept through most of the lecture. Few are as tedious as Toiletoverflowing and none surpass him when it comes to presenting a monotonous and irksome speech.

Nevertheless, some of Toiletoverflowing’s words did manage to penetrate the veil of sleep and entered Dustball’s subconscious. Toiletoverflowing droned on unheard by man nor beast until he reached the philosophy of René Descartes. The utterance of Descartes’ words “Cogito, ergo sum,” which Toiletoverflowing helpfully translated to the famous ,”I think, therefore I am,” jolted Dustball awake.

“Yes!” thought Dustball. “How could I have not seen the significance of those words until they were uttered by that nincompoop Toiletoverflowing? And how embarrassing it is that it should be Toiletoverflowing who showed me the light!

“Descartes’ view is so fundamental, so pertinent to humanity. It cannot be ignored; not even here in Shalampax.”

Upon accepting this existential marker, thought, as the only true measure of the human reality, Dustball immediately reduced her count of the Shalampax population by 75 percent. In turn, to avoid decimating the political ranks, parliament quickly passed a law eliminating existence as a prerequisite for serving in the government.

Philosophy Descartes, existence, I think therefore I am, Philosophy, René Descartes