Shalampax Speaks

Time machines have long been devices of science fiction. Sometimes, they are at the very core of the story. At other times, the author uses them to get the protagonist magically out of a jam when the author can’t think of any other way to do the trick. However, few people believe that time machines are possible in real life, at least not with our existing technologies and current understanding of the space/time continuum, and possibly never.

Pencilonear, Shalampax’s self-proclaimed scientist, recently laid claim to proving that the doubters are wrong. Earlier this week he demonstrated a time machine that he built. And, even more amazing, he built it from common materials that might be found in any home.

Needless to say, there was considerable excitement about his invention. However, that excitement waned quickly when close inspection of the time machine showed that it was a very ordinary grandfather clock without any special features, and certainly not capable of skipping back and forth through time and space.

To Pencilonear’s credit, it should be noted that the clock keeps absolutely perfect time. However, this is true only twice a day because the hands of the clock are permanently glued to the clock’s face.

Needless to say, excitement turned to distress when it was determined beyond a shadow of a doubt that Pencilonear’s device was not the sort of time machine that people had been hoping for. However, that distress was alleviated when Pencilonear was returned to his padded room and a stronger lock was installed on the outside of his door.

Science time machine

I don’t know if you’ve been reading Stoneupnose’s reports on Openfly’s recent adventures wherein Openfly, by an amazing coincident, stumbled on Marie, the woman who, more than anyone else, is responsible for Shalampax being the great nation it is today. But if you haven’t been reading his columns, you should. They’ve been spellbinding. Or maybe they just put me to sleep. I often find it difficult to tell the difference between spellbinding and sleep-inducing.

If Marie’s importance eludes you then you obviously haven’t done any reading on Shalampax’s history. And if not, why not? How the hell do you think you’ll ever be able to figure us out if you’re not willing to spend a few minutes reading about us at Shalampax’s national Web site?

Sorry, I got off on an tangent there. I mentioned Stoneupnose’s reports because they reminded me of something. Before Marie washed up on our shores we had no technology and no language. Marie didn’t give us technology, but she did teach us English.

Marie was only here for a couple of years and when she left we still had no technology. The story of how, in just two or three decades, despite living on an exceptionally isolated island, we were able to use our newfound knowledge of English to acquire some of the most advanced telecommunications and electrical equipment in the world is a fascinating story.

That is to say, I sort of remember it as being a fascinating story. Unfortunately, I’ve completely forgotten what that story is. I asked a few people here if they could recall it, but their minds were blank. This is not surprising because blanks are their minds’ normal state of affairs.

I also looked through our national archives, which are a few spiral-bound notebooks with handwritten observations inscribed in crayon. Unfortunately, there is nothing in those archives about how we acquired our technology.

Truthfully, that may not be entirely accurate. I think there is nothing in our archives about the story of how we acquired our technology, but most of what’s written in there is illegible. Handwriting is not a strong suit of any Shalampaxians. Actually, few of us have a strong suit of any kind.

That’s a pity because it really was an absolutely amazing story. At least, I seem to remember it being an absolutely amazing story. Maybe. Maybe not. My mind isn’t as sharp as it once was and it never was that sharp.

If anyone remembers that part of our history, please drop me a line. Thanks. Bye.

Science acquire, acquisition, high-tech, history, technology

The weather in Shalampax is legendary. At least, it’s legendary in Shalampax. Few, if any, people beyond our borders know anything about our weather, or about Shalampax for that matter.

All Shalampaxians are painfully aware of the hideousness of our climate. However, what many of our citizens don’t know is that often, even when a Category 5 hurricane is ravaging our island, if you head 50 miles in any direction you’ll find clear skies and calm winds. And, the hurricane typically never moves off our island before it dissipates.

To say the least, this is a remarkable phenomenon, but few scientists outside of Shalampax have bothered to study it because it never affects them or anyone they know or care about.

Scientists here would have studied it long ago, except for the fact that there aren’t any Shalampaxian scientists to speak of. That is to say, we do have a couple of scientists, but good taste prevents us from speaking of them. And, if you know anything about Shalampaxians, if good taste prevents us from talking about them, these must be truly hideous characters. They are.

The closest thing we have to a weather expert is Moldybread. His sole claim to expertise in meteorology was gained by his odd habit of looking out the window occasionally as opposed to being glued to his television set for most of his waking hours, as is the case for the rest of us.

Because he possesses a trait that is all but nonexistent in Shalampax, scientific curiosity, and because he wasn’t able to trick scientists elsewhere into doing the work, Moldybread decided to conduct some research on Shalampax’s weather on his own.

Moldybread imported the world’s largest weather balloon. Unusual for a Shalampaxian, he spared no expense. Modybread bought a balloon that can stay aloft continuously for at least ten years, without the need for maintenance.

Moldybread filled the balloon with helium and launched it during the five minutes of moderately calm weather we had yesterday.

Unfortunately, Modlybread does not know much about weather research. He didn’t realize that the monitoring equipment did not come with the balloon. He figured it was all microchips embedded, out of sight, in the balloon. The balloon was, therefore, just a really good balloon and nothing else.

What’s more, no one told him that he was supposed to tether the balloon to the ground.

On the bright side, Moldybread has gotten himself into the record books as the first Shalampaxian to have created a serious threat to air traffic.

Science weather, weather balloon

Last week, on one of those exceptionally rare, but exceedingly glorious instances when Shalampax’s otherwise notoriously brutal weather yields to a day during which it is not altogether too dangerous to venture out into the elements, Walnutshell took a walk in Shalampax’s palm patch.

Walnutshell has long had an interest in birds. As a result, on his infrequent walks he always keeps a sharp lookout for his fine feathered friends, his fine feathered enemies, and pretty much anything with feathers apart, of course, from his wife, whose feathers aren’t becoming in the least. He takes a particular thrill in spotting a rare species that has been blown off-course and into Shalampax’s territory by the frequent “breezes,” which in other contexts would be referred to as gales. Walnutshell was not disappointed last week; not in the least.

Walnutshell observed the most unusual bird he had ever seen or heard of hunting insects at the base of a Palm tree. To avoid any confusion, allow me to point out that it was the bird, not Walnutshell, that was hunting insects at the base of the tree. Walnutshell was a tad peckish at the time and he would have relished a succulent insect had one crossed his path, but he wasn’t in the mood to go hunting for one.

The top of the bird’s body was covered with feathers of a brilliant turquoise color. It’s underbelly was a bright, almost fluorescent lime-green. But most extraordinary was its long, sharp beak, which was rainbow-hued.

Because of his intense interest in the subject, Walnutshell has read every book and academic journal on birds that he has been able to steal off the Internet. He was convinced that this species had never been catalogued. A subsequent intensive Internet search proved him correct.

Walnutshell spent the couple of hours he had before the weather turned vicious again studying the bird’s physical and behavioral traits. He is currently writing up his findings for submission to an academic, peer-reviewed ornithology journal. That is to say, the journal will be one that is reviewed by peers of academics, not of Walnutshell, whose peers include most reptiles.

Walnutshell is hesitant to disclose any further details prior to publication out of fear that someone will steal credit for his discovery. However, in the interest of science, he has authorized me to disclose one more tidbit of information that will be of particular interest to ornithologists. Walnutshell reports that, despite being somewhat stringy, the meat of this unique bird is delicious.

Science birds, ornithologists, ornithology

For decades, senior scientists around the globe have pursued the elusive goal of reliably triggering and maintaining a cold fusion reaction. So named because, if it can be done, the reaction will achieve nuclear fusion at temperatures greatly below the 6,000-degrees Celsius that powers fusion reactions in the sun.

Work on cold fusion has waxed and waned over the past few decades. There have been some tantalizing suggestions of triumph, only to find that the results were not repeatable and, therefore, questionable to begin with. Consequently, no scientist has been able to claim victory in this quest, until now.

Pencilonear, Shalampax’s leading physicist, today announced that he has succeeded in generating and sustaining cold fusion reactions. What’s more, he claims that he can repeat his success at will.

Pencilonear explained his achievement by saying, “It is all a matter of how you approach the problem. Other scientists have looked at it conventionally and, as a result, they were not able to break out of existing scientific molds. I, on the other hand, viewed the problem from a completely different perspective.”

Pencilonear continued, “It’s all a matter of finding the right glue. If you do that, you can easily fuse any two objects without the application of any heat whatsoever other than ambient room temperature.

“Metal, wood, paper, and other glues can be bought off-the-shelf at any hardware store. A little pressure might be necessary to permanently fuse materials, but that can easily be applied with an ordinary shop vice. Fusion of objects is really that simple.”

Shalampax’s prime minister, Manexposinghimself, lost no time in commending Pencilonear. “What Pencilonear has accomplished is nothing short of astounding,” Manexposinghimself exclaimed loudly. “He well deserves our praise. We always lock his padded cell from the outside. How he was able to get out and speak to the press is beyond me. Amazing. Truly amazing.”

“Obviously, we will investigate Pencilonear’s escape and take steps to ensure it never happens again,” said Manexposinghimself. “Clearly, the man, and I use the word man loosely, is a raving lunatic.”

Science cold fusion, fusion