Never let it be said that the Government of Shalampax doesn’t do much to foster innovation. It doesn’t, but it’s considered to be a social faux pas to mention it.
The government is considering doing something to change that, which is to say that it might change its indifference toward innovation, not change the reticence to discuss its failings. Pencilonear, Shalampax’s self-proclaimed scientist, has applied to the government for a grant that he intends to use to prove his theory that it is possible to repair tears in the space-time fabric by using an ordinary kitchen spatula to apply a precisely formulated mixture of Dijon mustard and cornstarch to the tear.
For competitive reasons, Pencilonear refuses to divulge the exact ratio of Dijon mustard to cornstarch in his formula. Likewise, he will not reveal whether he will use a metal spatula or a plastic one, or if it makes any difference. For similar reasons, he will also not disclose how he proposes to find or create rifts in the space-time fabric on which he can test his theory.
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Time machines have long been devices of science fiction. Sometimes, they are at the very core of the story. At other times, the author uses them to get the protagonist magically out of a jam when the author can’t think of any other way to do the trick. However, few people believe that time machines are possible in real life, at least not with our existing technologies and current understanding of the space/time continuum, and possibly never.
Pencilonear, Shalampax’s self-proclaimed scientist, recently laid claim to proving that the doubters are wrong. Earlier this week he demonstrated a time machine that he built. And, even more amazing, he built it from common materials that might be found in any home.
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I don’t know if you’ve been reading Stoneupnose’s reports on Openfly’s recent adventures wherein Openfly, by an amazing coincident, stumbled on Marie, the woman who, more than anyone else, is responsible for Shalampax being the great nation it is today. But if you haven’t been reading his columns, you should. They’ve been spellbinding. Or maybe they just put me to sleep. I often find it difficult to tell the difference between spellbinding and sleep-inducing.
If Marie’s importance eludes you then you obviously haven’t done any reading on Shalampax’s history. And if not, why not? How the hell do you think you’ll ever be able to figure us out if you’re not willing to spend a few minutes reading about us at Shalampax’s national Web site?
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The weather in Shalampax is legendary. At least, it’s legendary in Shalampax. Few, if any, people beyond our borders know anything about our weather, or about Shalampax for that matter.
All Shalampaxians are painfully aware of the hideousness of our climate. However, what many of our citizens don’t know is that often, even when a Category 5 hurricane is ravaging our island, if you head 50 miles in any direction you’ll find clear skies and calm winds. And, the hurricane typically never moves off our island before it dissipates.
To say the least, this is a remarkable phenomenon, but few scientists outside of Shalampax have bothered to study it because it never affects them or anyone they know or care about.
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Last week, on one of those exceptionally rare, but exceedingly glorious instances when Shalampax’s otherwise notoriously brutal weather yields to a day during which it is not altogether too dangerous to venture out into the elements, Walnutshell took a walk in Shalampax’s palm patch.
Walnutshell has long had an interest in birds. As a result, on his infrequent walks he always keeps a sharp lookout for his fine feathered friends, his fine feathered enemies, and pretty much anything with feathers apart, of course, from his wife, whose feathers aren’t becoming in the least. He takes a particular thrill in spotting a rare species that has been blown off-course and into Shalampax’s territory by the frequent “breezes,” which in other contexts would be referred to as gales. Walnutshell was not disappointed last week; not in the least.
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For decades, senior scientists around the globe have pursued the elusive goal of reliably triggering and maintaining a cold fusion reaction. So named because, if it can be done, the reaction will achieve nuclear fusion at temperatures greatly below the 6,000-degrees Celsius that powers fusion reactions in the sun.
Work on cold fusion has waxed and waned over the past few decades. There have been some tantalizing suggestions of triumph, only to find that the results were not repeatable and, therefore, questionable to begin with. Consequently, no scientist has been able to claim victory in this quest, until now.
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