Shalampax Speaks

Sage Mike, one of those infinitely spiritual folks over at the Church of Infinitiaty, has taken up blogging. As his adopted name implies, Sage Mike is one of the sages of Infinitiaty. His blog, which is blandly called Sage Mike Prattles, answers questions from members of the Church of Infinitiaty and discusses all things Infinitian.

(If you’re looking for the blog on the Church of Infinitiaty’s Web site you’ll find it under the “Outreach” drop-down menu in the menu bar at the top of the Web site.)

I suppose it was inevitable that one of the sages would start blogging. As all ardent bloggers know, blogging is a great excuse for avoiding doing anything useful. In the case of the sages of Infinitiaty, usefulness is measured by how fully they serve every need and whim of the Chief Sage Officer (CSO) and how well they fake wisdom in front of the general public, in that order and mostly the former.

Needless to say, finding excuses to avoid doing anything useful is a primary goal of all of the sages.

By the way, sages are not paid wages or salaries, but they do get reasonable perks.

Why, you may ask, don’t the sages just up and quit? The answer to that is easy. They are all worthless packages of molecules with few, if any, employable skills. The only jobs they could possibly get are to work as sages or civil servants. Being a sage is marginally better.

Anyway, please head over and read Sage Mike’s blog. It’s not very good, but if his blog doesn’t get enough traffic the CSO will cancel it and force Sage Mike to go back to licking the soles of the CSO’s shoes clean. He’s not a bad person so visiting his blog and helping him out would be a righteous thing to do.

The Church of Paahlm will be holding a bake sale this coming Thursday to raise funds for the Exalted Coconut’s personal slush fund. The sale will be held in the hallway in front of The Third Floor Pub.

It has been more than four months since the church held its last bake sale. The Exalted Coconut felt that it was time for another one because all of the buyers in the last sale have now recuperated from the consequences of consuming the baked goods they purchased.

This time around, buyers will be required to sign a medical waiver absolving the church of any medical problems that befall the buyers as a result of  supporting the church and, specifically, the Exalted Coconut through purchases at the bake sale.

I am sublimely blissful in a totally spiritual sort of way.

Why? A number of people thought that Religco was being overly optimistic in its forecasts for the success of the re-launch of the Infinitiaty faith. However, it turns out that Religco grossly underestimated its profits from the religion.

It’s been less than two days since Religco announced the re-launch of the Church of Infinitiaty, the faith with an infinity of Gods, but the company’s revenue from the religion is already well ahead of where it was expected to be three months from now. Some religion-business analysts are saying Infinitiaty is going to be the biggest thing to hit the religion business since Jesus. (Although they try to avoid saying that in front of Christians because Christians are very protective of the Jesus brand.)

Why is this good? I already had some shares in Religco. Then, a couple of weeks ago, when I caught wind of what the company was up to, I bought another 100 shares. Religco shares are now trading at $798,143 (U.S.) each and the dividends are flowing at heavenly levels.

The upshot is that, at least on paper, I’m exceptionally rich. And that bitch Snotontable is very jealous of me. Now, that’s what I call a win-win situation. The best part is that both of the wins are for me, which is exactly how a win-win is supposed to work as far as I’m concerned.

May the blessing of all of the infinity of Gods continue to be on the Church of Infinitiaty and Religco — and, in particular, on its cash flow.

Many venerable religions have customs and practices that, to outsiders, seem to be outdated, inane, barbaric or, sometimes, all three simultaneously. Paahlmism, the native religion of Shalampax, is no exception.

Consider, for example, our stricture against mixing corn and beans in a single meal. This law is as old as the Paahlmist faith itself. Nobody remembers why this commandment was instituted in the religion, but it remains a strict law of the faith nonetheless.

Many people find this rule against mixing beans and corn to be absurd, but what has some folks particularly up in arms is what, in their eyes, is the exceptionally archaic and barbaric nature of the punishment for committing this sin. The punishment is stoning.

The elders of Paahlmism are oblivious to the cries of barbarism. Nonetheless, for unrelated reasons, they are considering abolishing stoning sentences for not just the sin of mixing corn and beans, but for all sins for which stoning is still the punishment prescribed by our creed.

The reason why the elders are thinking of eliminating stoning is that it has, in their minds, become far too expensive to buy the marijuana necessary to achieve a really good stoning. In addition, people have been intentionally committing sins punishable by stoning. What’s more, many people have been inventing new sins against Paahlm and swearing that the Paahlmist faith has always considered them to be offences worthy of stoning. Consequently, the cost of the penance weed is threatening to bankrupt the Paahlmist religion.

Considering how many religions there are in the world, and particularly right here in Shalampax, there must be at least one faith for which today is hallowed. Heck, for all I know, there could be dozens of religious holidays today.

Consequently, I’m celebrating a religious holiday today and, therefore, won’t be writing a blog post. I don’t know which religion(s) have holidays today, but it would be disrespectful of me, the religion and spirituality writer here at Shalampax Speaks, to not honor the holiday(s) of those faith(s). Furthermore, it would be an infringement of my religious freedoms if my boss refused to give me the day off.

So, sorry, I will not be posting a column in this spot today.

Merry Whatever and a Happy Suchlike.

Covering the religion beat for a major publication such as Shalampax Speaks is bound to eventually have a significant impact on you. In fact, it’s gotten to the point where I’m almost starting to believe this crap.

Today, I’m feeling particularly spiritually fulfilled. Maybe all of my writing about religion has filled me with the spirit of one god or another. Or maybe it’s because we have so many religions to choose from here in Shalampax thanks to our many successful cult religion companies. Or maybe it’s the 12 gin and tonics I just polished me off that filled me with spirits. Whatever, I’m feeling particularly blessed today.

Why shouldn’t I? I recently bought 100 shares of Religco, Shalampax’s leading cult religion company. In just the past two weeks alone, it’s doubled in value. Rumor has it that they are planning a launch sometime in the next few weeks that is expected to really shake up the religion business.

If the rumors are correct, I’m going to be rich beyond my wildest dreams. And I have some pretty wild dreams. I ask you: How much more spiritual can you get than that?