In my last couple of posts (here and here) I told you about some of the disadvantages of worshipping God 148. There are others. For example, She expects us to punish adulteresses by stoning them to death. We are supposed to punish male adulterers by forcing them to gather the stones used to stone the adulteresses. Considering that God 148 has a female God number, We thought it rather strange that women should warrant a far harsher punishment than men for the same crime, but it seems that all of the Gods are misogynists, regardless of their assigned gender.
Stoning is a problem for us.
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In my previous post, I told you about some of the pitfalls of choosing God 148 as the one God to worship out of all the infinite number of Gods, but I didn’t mention the worst of it. The praying required when God 148 is your God is unbearable.
The content of the prayers isn’t a problem. Unlike God One, God 148 is a very self-confident deity, secure in Her supremeness. Thus, She doesn’t expect us to regularly sing Her praises and tell Her how great she is. She is well aware of Her Majesty and doesn’t need any mere mortal to remind her of it.
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It’s been a very long time since anyone has posted here. I’m sorry about that. Due to a sudden outbreak of mass hysteria, no one felt like writing anything.
That’s a bit misleading, isn’t it? No one in Shalampax has ever felt like writing anything because it is too much like work. But, in the past, we usually couldn’t come up with an adequate excuse to overrule the blackmail that the Prime Minister threatened to use against us if we refused to perform our blogging duties.
Recently, either good fortune or widespread insanity—it’s often difficult to distinguish between the two—gave us an ironclad excuse. Work became against our religion. Literally. And for most of my compatriots it still is.
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For some time now, many of us here in Shalampax have had the feeling that our building is leaning to one side. Most of us ignored this feeling as we assumed that it was merely a result of our near-constant intoxication. However, it turns out that our drunkenness, perception-skewing though it may be, was not the explanation. The building is indeed listing.
This was confirmed when Tornunderwear unexpectedly found herself briefly sober. She wandered down to the basement, hoping beyond hope to find some hooch that someone had inadvertently discarded. Stumbling around in the mess down there, Tornunderwear tripped on a spirit level that someone had left lying on the floor.
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Never let it be said that the Government of Shalampax doesn’t do much to foster innovation. It doesn’t, but it’s considered to be a social faux pas to mention it.
The government is considering doing something to change that, which is to say that it might change its indifference toward innovation, not change the reticence to discuss its failings. Pencilonear, Shalampax’s self-proclaimed scientist, has applied to the government for a grant that he intends to use to prove his theory that it is possible to repair tears in the space-time fabric by using an ordinary kitchen spatula to apply a precisely formulated mixture of Dijon mustard and cornstarch to the tear.
For competitive reasons, Pencilonear refuses to divulge the exact ratio of Dijon mustard to cornstarch in his formula. Likewise, he will not reveal whether he will use a metal spatula or a plastic one, or if it makes any difference. For similar reasons, he will also not disclose how he proposes to find or create rifts in the space-time fabric on which he can test his theory.
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The use of recreational drugs by students at the Shalampax School has gotten out of hand. After much debate, the school board has finally agreed to do something about this outrageous situation.
Effective immediately, any student who is caught smoking marijuana will be forced to remain after the rest of the class has been dismissed. The student will be required to continue to do schoolwork during his or her period of detention. Because all Shalampaxian students utterly despise attending classes and doing schoolwork, this is considered to be a severe form of punishment.
Fortunately, Shalampax has not signed the Geneva Conventions. This punishment protocol might otherwise be considered to be in violation of that treaty.
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