Something strange has been happening here in Shalampax. And, until recently, I haven’t been able to explain it. We used to be overrun with cockroaches.
The little buggers thrived here because, although we hated them, we were too lazy to do anything about them. Nobody ever vacuumed or swept their apartments because that was too much work. And extermination? That would require way too much effort.
Rather than feeling shame over our slovenly ways that fostered the cockroach infestation, we tried to boost our self-esteem by telling ourselves that the pests were really pets. Pets have to be fed, don’t they? By leaving food droppings where they lay we were simply feeding our pets, which, of course, was the humane thing to do. We anxiously awaited our commendation from PETA.
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Rottentomato, owner of Shalampax’s Most Expensive Restaurant, has asked me to let his patrons and prospective patrons know that cockroaches are exceptionally tasty right now.
What’s more, because all of the cockroaches in his dishes are free-range insects, rather than being factory farmed, their treatment is much more humane than would otherwise be the case. In addition, because the cockroaches are local, rather than imported, no greenhouse gases—other than the carbon dioxide exhaled by Rottentomato and his staff as they breath and some methane as they fart—are emitted to deliver these tasty treats to your table.
Rottentomato reports that the current sanitary conditions in his kitchen have produced a particularly plentiful batch of plump cockroaches. Because of their abundance, Rottentomato can offer them for what are, for his restaurant, very reasonable prices.
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Birdinhand was supposed to write this blog post, but he has gone into a deep depression over the fact that his Twitter domination scheme has, so far, not progressed very far. I think a grand total of only about four or five people started following him (Birdinhand2) on Twitter yesterday. (He asked me to thank those four or five people—you know who you are—profusely. Consider yourselves thanked.) That still leaves 3.8 million or so to go to reach his goal.
Ah, poor Birdinhand. Boohoo. Poor baby. Get over it. Wimp!
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I would like to remind all Shalampaxians of the strict policy against keeping pets in Shalampax’s building. Unfortunately, this rule is currently being broken and some people are spoiling things for the rest of us.
This situation came about purely by accident. It seems that the anthropologists that we had for dinner back in early April did not arrive alone. We are now infested with cockroaches.
Some Shalampaxians have been keeping the cockroaches as pets. They—the Shalampaxians, not the cockroaches—have been trying, mostly unsuccessfully, to train the cockroaches to do tricks such as roll over, shake hands, fetch sticks and play dead.
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