Shalampax Speaks

I am pleased to announce that Tuboflard, the Chief Medical Officer at the Shalampax Medical Clinic, is having great success with her diet. She has already lost almost one hundred pounds.

She has succeeded in her diet by taking the occasional break from eating rather than eating continuously throughout the day as she did in the past. I fear that she might have to go a little further if she’s going to continue to lose weight.

Now, because of her poundage, she burns off a tremendous number of calories just carrying around all of her fat whenever she walks somewhere. The number of calories she burns per minute will decline as her weight declines.

Tuboflard tells me that, for the first time in her adult life, she can now visually confirm that she does, indeed, have feet. Although, to do so, she has to bend far enough to form an almost 90 degree angle. Unfortunately, she still requires help to get back up after bending down.

If Tuboflard keeps thinning out, she will eventually no longer resemble her name—a resemblance that is purely coincidental. She was named after a literal tub of lard that her parents spied shortly after she was born.

There is a downside to this. The only qualification that Tuboflard has for her Chief Medical Officer job is that looking at her makes the rest of us feel good about our fat and lack of fitness. If she drops another two or three hundred she might lose that qualification.

This would be a disaster for Tuboflard. Because she has no other skills, if she loses her Chief Medical Officer job she may have trouble providing for herself and her children. This just goes to prove that old adage, every silver lining has a cloud. Or something to that effect.

Miscellaneous diet, fat, obese, obesity, weight

I know this is going to be hard to believe, but Tuboflard, the Chief Medical Officer at the Shalampax Medical Clinic, has taken a vow to lose three hundred pounds and build up a muscle or two.

That’s not as ambitious a goal as it sounds. She could afford to drop a hundred pounds off just her derrière and she’d still be carting around her own nicely-padded, organic pillow. Three hundred pounds off her whole body would leave her obese, but no longer quite as morbidly so.

Tuboflard refuses to say what led her to this decision, but most of us think it was her embarrassment over the incident when, for quite a while, one of her triplets was thought to be lost or possibly dead. Instead, the child was playing unseen under one of Tuboflard’s rolls of fat.

The fact that Tuboflard can sit only in specially reinforced chairs because normal furniture is no match for her colossal mass might also have contributed to her decision to lose weight.

Tuboflard plans to lose the weight by watching what she eats and exercising.

Watching what she eats has always been a problem for Tuboflard. She can see the food on the table well enough, but once she gets it anywhere near her mouth her enormous cheeks block her view of the food. As a result, she is a very sloppy eater and tends to miss her mouth frequently.

Because of all of her droppings, she needs to prepare twice as much food as she plans to consume, which helps to keep the Shalampax grocery store exceptionally profitable. (The owner of the store is desperately hoping that Tuboflard does not have the willpower to follow through.)

Tuboflard cuts down on food costs by following the 10-minute rule. If food has been on the floor for less than 10 minutes she considers it to be safe to eat. However, with her triplets now crawling, they tend to get to the food first because Tuboflard’s immensity doesn’t allow her to move quickly. Hell, she can barely move at all. As a result, the triplets, who are eating food off the floor that was not intended for infants, are starting to get quite chubby too. This might be another reason why Tuboflard intends to change her ways.

Regular physical workouts constitute the other half of Tuboflard’s weight-loss program. If you’re a longtime reader you’ll know that a locked, never-used exercise room was discovered in our building a while back. Following the advice of our Prime Minister, Manexposinghimself, the exercise equipment was removed and comfy couches, large screen televisions and beer fridges were installed in its place.

Contrary to Manexposinghimself’s suggestion, the exercise equipment was not dumped in the ocean. Instead, it was thrown in the basement behind some mechanical equipment. Nevertheless, at this point, pulling it out for Tuboflard’s use would be senseless. No treadmill, stationary bike or other equipment would last a minute under her bulk.

Tuboflard might be able to use some of the free-weights, but that would probably be difficult for her until she loses a little limb-mass. She gets a better workout than most Olympic weightlifters by simply lifting her gargantuan arms over her head.

Until she gets down to a size that the equipment can support, Tuboflard’s workout consists of an hour’s walk around the hallways every day. [Note to my fellow Shalampaxians: If you’ve been feeling the building shake and hearing deafening thuds in the halls, don’t be alarmed. It’s just Tuboflard getting her exercise.]

I wish Tuboflard the best of luck in her weight-loss program, but I see two drawbacks if she is, in fact, successful.

For one thing, Tuboflard will no longer fit her name. That’s neither here nor there because few of us suit our names. Our monikers are simply based on something our parents saw shortly after we were born. Tuboflard just happened to grow into her name. If she grows out of it, her name will lose its current inadvertent relevance, but, like I said, that’s no big deal.

The other problem is more serious. Tuboflard has no medical knowledge or skills. And she is a horrid administrator. Her only qualification for her job as Chief Medical Officer is that looking at her makes the rest of us feel good about our bodies and our physical condition. For as long as Tuboflard has been Chief Medical Officer, we have always been able to comfort ourselves by saying, “Well, at least we’re not as bad as Tuboflard, and she’s Chief Medical Officer!”

Thus, if Tuboflard drops some weight and gets in shape she’ll probably lose her high-paying job for which she is not the least bit qualified. Is the tradeoff worth it? That’s something she’ll have to decide for herself.

Miscellaneous diet, dieting, exercise, weight, weight loss

One of Shalampax’s newest spam companies, ShalamSpamCo Inc., is quickly becoming one of our biggest spam enterprises. After the firm’s highly successful launch of its Home Breast Augmentation Surgery Kit, hBASK, it is getting ready to unleash another blockbuster spam campaign. Billions of emails promoting its new AcaiDietJitters™ weight-loss diet supplement are ready to fly.

According to ShalamSpamCo, AcaiDietJitters is an exciting, radical, revolutionary, world-shattering, novel, new, innovative, ground-breaking, breakthrough weight-loss diet supplement.

As the name implies, AcaiDietJitters contains ingredients derived from all-natural acai berries, which are loaded with antioxidants. How much weight can acai berries help you lose in just one week? Five pounds? Ten pounds? Twenty pounds? More? Who the hell knows? Not me and not ShalamSpamCo, but so what? Acai berries are hot for no apparent reason and that’s all that matters.

There is no end to the lack of reliable clinical studies by respected scientists absolutely proving the weight reduction benefits of acai berries. And there is unquestionably a vast array of suspect anecdotal evidence from people pitching acai berries and acai berry-derived products. That’s good enough for ShalamSpamCo, so it should be good enough for you and me.

There are some massive, hulking, gargantuan, blimps pretending to be people out there. Will acai berry extract be enough to make a noticeable weight-loss difference for these beached blue whales with feet?

Maybe not. That’s why ShalamSpamCo has also loaded AcaiDietJitters with a mega-dose of caffeine. In this one pill, in addition to all of that healthful acai berry extract, you’ll also get the caffeine equivalent of 142 triple espressos. That’s the jitters part.

With all of that caffeine, you’ll be exceedingly edgy. As a result, you’ll be shaking and climbing the walls all day and all night, without getting a moment’s sleep. You won’t be able to avoid exercising off your excess fat naturally.

Acai berries and caffeine … you’ll be slimming away to nothing in no time. And the best of all, you can get all of this acai berry and caffeine goodness for just $6.99 per daily dose. Or take advantage of a low, low, low, inexpensive, cheap, bargain price by buying an economical 30-day supply for just $209.70. (Shipping and handling extra.)

So keep an eye out for the hundreds of spam emails that will be rocketing your way from ShalamSpamCo over the next few weeks. When they arrive, act quickly to prevent your inbox from reaching its capacity, thereby blocking any important emails that may arrive later. And be sure to order a large supply of the acai berry and caffeine-loaded AcaiDietJitters right away because supplies are unlimited.

Let’s all wish ShalamSpamCo the best of luck in its quest to become the largest Shalampax spam company and owner of the world, if not the universe.

Business acai, acai berries, acai berry, caffeine, diet, dieting, losing weight, weight loss