A high number of serious injuries frequently occur as a result of people falling down drunk in our corridors and hitting their heads on the floor or walls. The walls have always been a problem, but the number of injuries increased when the government bought robotic vacuum cleaners that have now removed the thick, protective layer of dust that used to sit atop our stone floors.
To address this serious safety issue, the Shalampax Medical Clinic recommends that, when you go out drinking, one in every three people in the drinking group should be appointed as a designated walker.
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This is the sort of story that Birdinhand normally writes, but he’s feeling under the weather today. And if you know anything about Shalampax’s weather, that’s saying a hell of a lot. I think the stress over putting himself out in front of the world on Twitter (he’s Birdinhand2, not Birdinhand; don’t ask him why because he might tell you) and making big claims only to fall flat on his face weakened Birdinhand’s immune system. So I’ll pick up today’s post.
The following is of interest to only Shalampaxians. The rest of you have the day off today. (Yeah, like you actually read this crap on other days. Fat chance.)
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Due to the high incidence of drunkenness among our youth, Shalampax’s Third-Floor Pub is stringently implementing a stern new policy. Effective immediately, people who do not look obviously well over 18 years old will be required to show ID before they will be served alcoholic beverages in the Third-Floor Pub.
So far, there is no word from the owners of the other pubs in Shalampax, but they are expected to follow suit shortly.
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Jealousy does not arise often in Shalampaxians. We’re usually much to lazy and apathetic to bother being jealous.
Nonetheless, Emptybucket has become intensely envious of the success of Toiletoverflowing’s philosophy lecture series. (In Shalampax, a lecture is considered to be successful if two or more people attend, at least one of whom stays awake for 40 percent or more of the lecture.)
To get back in the game and attempt to rival Toiletoverflowing’s success, Emptybucket has revived his intermittent lecture series. Unlike Toiletoverflowing, Emptybucket does not have an overarching theme for his series. Instead, he talks about any thoughts that manage to penetrate his head at the time. Knowing Emptybucket’s mental capacity, it is hard to imagine that he’ll be giving any more than one or two lectures per month.
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