A high number of serious injuries frequently occur as a result of people falling down drunk in our corridors and hitting their heads on the floor or walls. The walls have always been a problem, but the number of injuries increased when the government bought robotic vacuum cleaners that have now removed the thick, protective layer of dust that used to sit atop our stone floors.
To address this serious safety issue, the Shalampax Medical Clinic recommends that, when you go out drinking, one in every three people in the drinking group should be appointed as a designated walker.
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This is the sort of story that Birdinhand normally writes, but he’s feeling under the weather today. And if you know anything about Shalampax’s weather, that’s saying a hell of a lot. I think the stress over putting himself out in front of the world on Twitter (he’s Birdinhand2, not Birdinhand; don’t ask him why because he might tell you) and making big claims only to fall flat on his face weakened Birdinhand’s immune system. So I’ll pick up today’s post.
The following is of interest to only Shalampaxians. The rest of you have the day off today. (Yeah, like you actually read this crap on other days. Fat chance.)
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Peeps, this is getting ridiculous. Openfly, Shalampax’s wannabe celebrity, is up to her hold tricks. By “up to her old tricks,” I don’t mean that she has gone back to her life as a prostitute, although many of us have begged her to do so.
No, word is now filtering out that several days ago she was caught driving while under the influence of alcohol. Officials tried to keep the news hush-hush in deference to Openfly’s sensitivities and ego, but they couldn’t keep such earth-shattering information a secret for long.
Driving under the influence was clearly a stupid, irresponsible thing to do. As much as I love her, I can’t, in good conscience, condone Openfly’s behavior.
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