Recognizing the abysmal academic achievement (or, more to the point, deficiency) levels in Shalampax, the Shalampax School Board has commissioned an in-depth study of our school system. This comprehensive investigation will be conducted by a task force composed of some rare scholastic successes among the elite of Shalampax’s academia, such as it is.
No bounds have been placed on the remit of the task force. It will be expected to evaluate teaching methods, early childhood education, textbooks, school hours, curricula, extra curricular activity, discipline within schools and anything else that the task force members deem to be relevant.
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It will come as no surprise to anyone who knows anything about the Shalampax education system to learn that our students are not the most knowledgeable in the world. Now there is proof. A recent survey showed that Shalampax’s teenagers are almost totally lacking in basic common knowledge.
Because we are a small country, our survey was able to question 100 percent of Shalampax’s teenagers rather than just using a representative sample. The results were shocking and, frankly, very depressing.
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It would appear that the counting skills of Decayingdeadbird, who is now bordering on age-related dementia—and exiled on the wrong side of the border—were always somewhat lacking, to say the least. Decayingdeadbird was the “architect” who designed Shalampax’s building back in 1956. She also oversaw its construction.
It has recently come to the attention of the Government of Shalampax that Decayingdeadbird mislabeled the floors of our building. What she labeled as the third floor, containing apartments numbered beginning with a “3,” is actually the fourth floor. And what she labeled as the fourth floor, with apartments numbered beginning with “4,” is the third floor.
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Beginning with the next school year, the Shalampax school board will require that all grade ten students take a full-year course on the Egyptian god Horus. Historians have traced the cult of Horus back to at least 2700 BC.
The story of Horus is noted for its similarities to the story of Christ. Consequently, because Horus predated Christ, some people think that at least some portions of Christianity evolved from the Horus story.
Today, there are no known serious followers of Horus. However, no one has checked the mental health institutions for instances of inane (or insane) followers. So, who knows?
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A teacher recently issued a failing grade on a paper submitted by one of her students. I know what you’re saying, “This is the first post from this new correspondent, Poopydiaper, and she starts off by telling us something that’s not news.”
I’ll grant you that a student receiving a failing grade on a paper is hardly news. That’s particularly true here in Shalampax, where failing is the rule, not the exception. What makes this story news is that the student’s mother and father, Rotteddriftwood and Slutwearingmicromini, respectively, appealed the grade to the school board. They won their appeal and had an “A” assigned to the paper instead.
Here’s what happened. When the 23-year-old student, Roastedrat, turned in his paper to his grade nine teacher, Albatrossoverhead, alarm bells immediately went off in Albatrossoverhead’s head.
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