Manexposinghimself, the Prime Minister of Shalampax, granted me an exclusive interview yesterday. Knowing that these are challenging times in the world, for most of our half-hour together he talked extensively and with great passion about the current batch of television reality shows. That part of our discussion does not bear repeating, but in an off-hand moment he did mention something interesting.
Prime Minister Manexposinghimself made a promise that I think he’s going to keep, which would be totally out of character for him. He promised that, in the future, his government will be much more decisive and will make its decisions much more quickly.
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The Government of Shalampax today announced that, henceforth, it will no longer make public its budgets or financial statements.
The government believes that continuing to release these documents would be pointless as they have always been mythological creations designed purely for entertainment purposes. The government believes that there is far better entertainment available today, so there is little benefit to be derived from publishing the government budgetary and financial documents.
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The lone civil servant who continued to work throughout National Democracy Month has asked me to pass along word that the Shalampax Government ePortal, which only Shalampax citizens can access, is now up and running. Shalampax citizens can use their citizenship number and the secret password shouted out to them in the recent open meetings to access the ePortal.
Effective immediately, all requests for government services must be submitted over the Internet through the ePortal. It is expected that this will dramatically improve the efficiency of government operations. Now, the system will be able to immediately delete the requests automatically, as opposed to having someone manually throw them out as soon as they arrive.
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There’s word of a shocking sex scandal to tell you about, peeps. Once again, shame has tainted Brokentoaster, a backbench Member of Parliament.
You might recall that his name made news a while back as a result of an expenses scandal in which it was discovered that Brokentoaster was a hopeless underachiever when it came to bilking the government through fraudulent expense claims.
This time, Brokentoaster, who is married and, to the best of his recollection, has one or two children, was found to be having an affair. Affairs are not normally news here in Shalampax, but Brokentoaster’s case is a little out of the ordinary.
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The Government of Shalampax has reached an agreement with the Shalampax Civil Service Union to end the 13-month-old strike of government employees. The union members ratified the agreement in a vote today.
The government agreed to 100 percent of the union’s original demands. That’s not surprising as the union had, from the beginning, voluntarily offered to accept a 10 percent wage cut, with no new perks or job guarantees and no reduction in “work” hours.
A government spokesperson said that the strike could have been ended much earlier, but nobody realized that the government’s employees had been on strike.
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I’m sad and ashamed to have to report that a scandal is rocking Shalampax’s parliament at this very moment.
A thorough government investigation has discovered that Brokentoaster, a backbench Member of Parliament, used his parliamentary office expense allowance to cover the cost of renovations to his personal apartment. It has been determined that he has charged almost $150,000 of such expenses to his office account since becoming a member of parliament a mere two years ago.
This despicable act on Brokentoaster’s part is unprecedented here in Shalampax. In the entire history of Shalampax’s parliament, with the exception of Brokentoaster, not a single Member of Parliament, not even the lowliest among them, has charged less than $250,000 worth of personal expenses to his or her office account in just the first six months of holding office. Once they get going, the two-year total is usually several times that.
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