Shalampax Speaks

The lone civil servant who continued to work throughout National Democracy Month has asked me to pass along word that the Shalampax Government ePortal, which only Shalampax citizens can access, is now up and running. Shalampax citizens can use their citizenship number and the secret password shouted out to them in the recent open meetings to access the ePortal.

Effective immediately, all requests for government services must be submitted over the Internet through the ePortal. It is expected that this will dramatically improve the efficiency of government operations. Now, the system will be able to immediately delete the requests automatically, as opposed to having someone manually throw them out as soon as they arrive.

We should all welcome this tremendous advance in government efficiency. Isn’t technology wonderful?

Government eGovernment, Government, online government

There’s word of a shocking sex scandal to tell you about, peeps. Once again, shame has tainted Brokentoaster, a backbench Member of Parliament.

You might recall that his name made news a while back as a result of an expenses scandal in which it was discovered that Brokentoaster was a hopeless underachiever when it came to bilking the government through fraudulent expense claims.

This time, Brokentoaster, who is married and, to the best of his recollection, has one or two children, was found to be having an affair. Affairs are not normally news here in Shalampax, but Brokentoaster’s case is a little out of the ordinary.

For the past year, Brokentoaster has been engaged in a torrid love affair with a drop-dead gorgeous, busty blow-up rubber doll that he ordered from a sex toy manufacturer in Argentina. Breaking with Shalampaxian traditions for naming sex dolls, which are the same as the Shalampaxian traditions for naming humans, Brokentoaster calls his doll Maria.

Asked for her reaction, Brokentoaster’s wife of 17 years, Lockpick, appeared unmoved and even forgiving. “Well, at least he won’t be catching any sexually transmitted diseases from his doll,” Lockpick said. “That’s more than I can say for the two or three dozen men I’ve been having affairs with while married to Brokentoaster.”

Ignoring his wife’s and his long-neglected children’s blatant indifference, Broakentoaster had tears, or possibly eye drops, in his eyes when he sobbed that, “I am deeply troubled over the terrible pain I have caused my family, whom I like beyond words. There is no excuse for my actions. All I can say in my defense is that I have found my true soul mate in Maria.”

After his affair was exposed, Brokentoaster became intensely devoted to the practice of Paahlmism, the dominant religion here in Shalampax. As prescribed by Paalmist teachings, he has been consuming large quantities of coconut milk as penance for his sins. Brokentoaster assures his family, friends and constituents that his newfound commitment to his religion and to the glory of Paahlm have saved him.

Fortunately for Brokentoaster, Paahlmism does not have a lot of other strictures or practices, so his daily penance has not in any way impeded his continuing affair with Maria.

Other members of parliament are, needless to say, shocked at this turn of events. Brokentoaster has already been sentenced to serve an extra term in parliament as a result of his criminal underperformance at issuing false expense claims. His colleagues are now calling for him to be forced to serve a second additional term as punishment for his latest indiscretion.

Government affair, Government, parliament, sex scandal

The Government of Shalampax has reached an agreement with the Shalampax Civil Service Union to end the 13-month-old strike of government employees. The union members ratified the agreement in a vote today.

The government agreed to 100 percent of the union’s original demands. That’s not surprising as the union had, from the beginning, voluntarily offered to accept a 10 percent wage cut, with no new perks or job guarantees and no reduction in “work” hours.

A government spokesperson said that the strike could have been ended much earlier, but nobody realized that the government’s employees had been on strike.

The employees will be at their desks effective Monday. They are relieved to be going back as that will allow them to catch up on their sleep.

Government Government, settled, strike, union

I’m sad and ashamed to have to report that a scandal is rocking Shalampax’s parliament at this very moment.

A thorough government investigation has discovered that Brokentoaster, a backbench Member of Parliament, used his parliamentary office expense allowance to cover the cost of renovations to his personal apartment. It has been determined that he has charged almost $150,000 of such expenses to his office account since becoming a member of parliament a mere two years ago.

This despicable act on Brokentoaster’s part is unprecedented here in Shalampax. In the entire history of Shalampax’s parliament, with the exception of Brokentoaster, not a single Member of Parliament, not even the lowliest among them, has charged less than $250,000 worth of personal expenses to his or her office account in just the first six months of holding office. Once they get going, the two-year total is usually several times that.

Clearly, Brokentoaster is not making the necessary effort. It’s no wonder that he has never been allowed to advance out of the backbenches of parliament and into cabinet, where the true spoils are to be found.

As punishment for his laziness, parliament has voted to force Brokentoaster to serve an additional term in office when his current term ends.

Maybe he’ll do better the second time around. One can only hope. We do, after all, expect our Members of Parliament to be role models and inspirations for our young folk.

Government expenses, Government, office, parliament, personal, scandal

A raucous debate erupted in parliament today, interrupting the lawmakers’ normal naps. At issue was Prime Minister Manexposinghimself’s proposal that Shalampax buy and install the country’s first traffic lights.

Opening the debate, the prime minister gave a patriotic speech suggesting that other countries looked down on Shalampax and ridiculed it as backward because of it’s lack of traffic lights. Manexposnghimself implored Members of Parliament to reverse this blot on the country’s reputation.

The prime minister went on to assure parliament that his support for the proposal had nothing whatsoever to do with his wife being granted an exclusive license to import traffic lights into the country.

The mood turned ugly when an opposition Member of Parliament, Tissuebox, used what, in other countries, would be considered unparliamentary language. Specifically, he called Manexposinghimself a, “fucking lunatic.”

Tissuebox went on to say, “No one mocks or disparages us because of our lack of traffic lights. No one. There are only thirteen people outside of Shalampax who even know we exist, and they don’t give a damn one way or another.”

The argument moved back to the government side of the house when Brokenbeerstein, the transportation minister, rose to table a report detailing the findings of a $2.5-million-dollar, nine-month-long study on the use and effectiveness of traffic lights in Europe. The study, which had been commissioned by Brokenbeerstein, carefully researched the correlation between road safety and the existence of traffic lights in twelve large European cities.

Brokenbeerstein contended that the results of the research clearly demonstrated that traffic lights substantially reduce fatal accidents wherever they are used.

Tissuebox again spoke on behalf of the opposition. In no uncertain terms, he declared that the study was flawed as the researchers spent all of their time in the bars and brothels of Europe’s leading cities.

“When you also factor in the amount of time spent dodging authorities due to the numerous international arrest warrants sworn out against all of the Shalampaxian researchers,” added Tissuebox, “there wasn’t any time left for them to research anything. In fact, the only time the researchers caught so much as glimpse of a traffic light was when they lifted their head up from the bar in the backseat of the limos they took from and to the airport in each city.”

Tissuebox’s accusations were given considerable credence as he was the lead researcher on the project.

After six hours of heated debate, punctuated by only a two-hour liquid lunch, Manexposinghimself’s motion was defeated. The knockout blow to his proposal came when a usually sleeping backbench opposition Member of Parliament, Leakingpen, pointed out that there were neither cars nor roads in Shalampax. She felt that might possibly render traffic lights pointless.

While not opposed to traffic lights in principle, Leakingpen noted that Manexposinghimself’s proposal would create the dilemma of having to figure out where to put the damn things up.

In the end, parliament voted to reallocate the money that would have been spent on traffic lights. Instead, it will be used to host an extravagant cocktail party for parliamentarians and their families.

Government Government, spending, traffic lights