Many people, in many parts of the world celebrate Christmas today.
I’m a Paahlmist by choice because Paahlmism has more holidays than any other religion. I’m also familiar with all of the cults religions provided by Shalampax’s cult religion companies. However, I must admit, that I’m not familiar with Christianity, the religion that created Christmas.
In my role as spiritual reporter here at Shalampax Speaks, and as a benefit for readers who are, like me until recently, unfamiliar with the meaning and customs of Christmas, I did some research on the holiday. The following is what I found.
(Those of you who are Christians or are otherwise familiar with Christmas might want to skip today’s post as you are already very familiar with this. Besides, you’re probably busy celebrating Christmas right now and, as a result, you’re not reading this anyway.)
Christmas celebrates the birth of the illegitimate child of a woman named Mary. Mary swears that, before giving birth, she did not have sex with the God who claimed paternity of her son, nor, for that matter did she have sex with any man. At least, that was her story and she stuck with it. For some reason, her gullible, betrothed husband, Joseph, believed her story.
Marie and Joseph named the child Jesus Christ—or maybe someone else called him Jesus Christ; I don’t know. Whatever, I think it was exceptionally cruel to name him that. The words Jesus Christ are often used as swear words, so I can only imagine the terrible ribbing that Jesus must have endured from the other kids at school as a result of his name.
Jesus was born in a manger. I’m not sure why that is. I can only figure that Marie and Joseph had to find a place fast because Marie was going into labor. All of the hotels in the area were probably restricted and wouldn’t let them in. Did I mention that Marie and Joseph were Jewish? Then, as now, there was a lot of anti-Semitism.
As I said, Jesus Christ was allegedly the Son of God. However, many people dispute this. I would have thought that his paternity could have been settled quite quickly with a simple DNA test, but I guess that either Jesus or God refused. In any case, Christmas celebrates the birth of this alleged Godson.
Christmas Celebration Customs
The form of the celebration of Christmas is not universal, but there are a few practices that are common in a number of places in the world:
- Demonstrate Dominion Over God. One common custom is to clearly demonstrate humans’ dominion over God by chopping down one of His creations, usually an evergreen tree. It is considered to be acceptable to purchase a tree that someone else has chopped down, thereby paying someone to assume your responsibility to show God who’s boss.
The tree is then displayed prominently in the family’s home, under the Eyes of God so that He can’t fail to see that humans have the power to destroy His creations.
Traditionally, the tree is decorated brightly and gaudily in case it might escape God’s notice if unadorned.
In the ultimate humiliation of God, His creation is callously discarded after Christmas without any ceremony.
Some people use an artificial tree to represent symbolically their dominion over God, without actually proving it by chopping down or buying a chopped-down real tree. This is considered to be an inferior experience.
- Execute a Vow of Poverty. Christmas celebrants are expected to take and execute a vow of poverty by maxing out their credit cards to buy lavish gifts for family and friends.
Custom holds that gift-buyers, let’s call them the parties of the first part, must also buy gifts for some people they don’t like, let’s call them the parties of the second part. If the parties of the first part don’t do this, the parties of the first part run the risk of the parties of the second part buying gifts for the parties of the first part, leaving the parties of the first part with guilt feelings.
These parties’ gifts are often exchanged at parties.
- Practice Deceit Skills. It is traditional in many parts of the world for parents to use Christmas to practice their deceit skills. At this time of the year, parents try to convince their children that their gifts are brought by a jolly, fat man who comes climbing down the chimney of every Christian home everywhere in the world, all on the same night.
This fat man is named “Santa Clause”. To escape justice for his widespread trespassing crimes, he also operates under the aliases of Saint Nicholas, Saint Nick, Kris Kringle, and Father Christmas.
When practicing their lying, parents get bonus points if they can convince their children that Santa makes his rounds flying through the air on a sleigh pulled buy a bunch of flying reindeer. Leading these alleged reindeer is supposedly one that must drink too much because it has a shiny red nose.
Parents who are able to convince their children that all of this is true have proven that they are expert liars. They can then confidently use this skill throughout the year. Either that or they are incompetent liars but their children are exceptionally gullible and/or dimwitted. The parents can likewise take advantage of this throughout the year.
Sprituality Christmas, customs, holiday, Santa Claus, traditions