Today is National Do Nothing and Don’t Give a Damn Day here in Shalampax. On this day every year we commemorate everything that it means to be a Shalampaxian. Our festivities include a 24-hour-long group nap.
If I gave a damn, I’d tell you to celebrate the day and have a great holiday. But I don’t, so I won’t.
Considering how many religions there are in the world, and particularly right here in Shalampax, there must be at least one faith for which today is hallowed. Heck, for all I know, there could be dozens of religious holidays today.
Consequently, I’m celebrating a religious holiday today and, therefore, won’t be writing a blog post. I don’t know which religion(s) have holidays today, but it would be disrespectful of me, the religion and spirituality writer here at Shalampax Speaks, to not honor the holiday(s) of those faith(s). Furthermore, it would be an infringement of my religious freedoms if my boss refused to give me the day off.
So, sorry, I will not be posting a column in this spot today.
Exercising the executive reserve powers that he has while the Parliament of Shalampax is shut down for National Democracy Month, Prime Minister Manexposinghimself has declared today, January 20, to be Anson Jones Day in Shalampax.
According to Wikipedia, the unfailingly reliable font of truth on the Internet, Anson Jones, who was born on January 20, 1798, was a doctor, businessman, congressman, and the last president of the Republic of Texas. He was sometimes called the “Architect of Annexation.”
Many people, in many parts of the world celebrate Christmas today.
I’m a Paahlmist by choice because Paahlmism has more holidays than any other religion. I’m also familiar with all of the cults religions provided by Shalampax’s cult religion companies. However, I must admit, that I’m not familiar with Christianity, the religion that created Christmas.
In my role as spiritual reporter here at Shalampax Speaks, and as a benefit for readers who are, like me until recently, unfamiliar with the meaning and customs of Christmas, I did some research on the holiday. The following is what I found.
Today is Day Day in Shalampax, a day when we honor no specific national event or person, but rather the very concept of “Day” holidays.
Many countries have Days to celebrate the anniversary of their independence and/or formation. The United States calls its Day “Independence Day.” I’m told that Canada calls its Day “Canada Day” and Australia calls its Day “Australia Day.” Those Canucks and Aussies are so very creative, aren’t they?
Depending on where you live, you might also have Days to commemorate specific individuals, such as “Martin Luther King Day” to celebrate, well, er, Martin Luther King, who was an African-American king or maybe he was just a prince who would have become king had he not been assassinated by some wacko—I’m not sure which; “Saint Patrick’s Day” to honor, a saint named Patrick who invented the color green; or “Victoria Day” to celebrate the long-deceased Queen Victoria. I’m not certain, but I think Queen Victoria founded Victoria’s Secret.
Today is the fifty-seventh anniversary of the first time we celebrated this day in Shalampax. We’ve been celebrating it ever since we started using calendars.
We have not given this day of the year any special name. We don’t celebrate anything or anyone in particular, nor do we stage any distinctive festivities today. And we aren’t expected to eat any special foods or wear any specific color of clothes on this day each year.
Today is not an official workplace holiday. Then again, Shalampaxians rarely need an official reason to call in absent.
