Shalampax Speaks

Hey peeps, here’s a freakily weird story for you.

During one of our near-constant storms, a massive wave washed up on our shores, as they frequently do. A couple of hours later, the inclement weather subsided sufficiently for Pigsface to dash outside briefly to catch a bit of air.

(Just to be clear, in Shalampax, the term “inclement” refers to any weather that is just short of catastrophic, catastrophic, or beyond catastrophic. Weather that is any less calamitous than that is referred to as “pleasant.”)

During his brief stroll outside, Pigsface, a couch potato who is unemployed because Shalampax is oversupplied with couch potatoes, spotted a bottle. How it survived the storm is a mystery. Double-hulled steel ships are usually no match for the jagged rocks surrounding our island and our near-perpetual super-gale-force winds. But somehow, this bottle was intact.

The bottle was corked and well-sealed with something resembling wax, but much sturdier.

When Pigsface managed to remove the cork, he extracted and read a message that had been placed in the bottle.

Are you sitting down? The message was a printout of an email. We were able to trace the email address of the recipient. It’s someone in Oregon, USA. Guess what the email message was? It was spam sent by Spams R Us, Shalampax’s largest spam company.

Here’s the ironic part. Shalampaxians normally never receive spam. Almost all of the world’s spam originates in Shalampax and our spam companies don’t send spam to their fellow Shalampaxians. Publicly, they state that this is a courtesy granted to their countrymen and countrywomen.

In truth, that’s not it at all. Our spam companies assume that all Shalampaxians are cheap bastards and bitches who almost certainly would never buy any of the stuff promoted in spam unless the “buyer” could cheat the spam company out of the price of the item.

That’s what the spam companies thought. However, it turns out that they were wrong, at least in the case of one Shalampaxian. Pigsface is now the proud owner of a bottle of Spams R Us’ Macho Man Super Male-Enhancement Lotion.

Good luck with that, Pigsface.

It has only been a few days since Spams R Us announced that everything it sold now comes with a lifetime guarantee, but the company has already received a warrantee claim.

Some guy named Bert Peenberger downloaded Spams R Us’ free male enhancement smart phone application. As per the installation instructions, he ignored the spyware warnings that his smart phone flashed up while the app was installing.

Bert then used his credit card and the activation function in the male enhancement application to pay Spams R Us the $29.99 required to activate the software. With that done, he started the application running and, as per the instructions on the screen, he placed his smart phone in his right front pants pocket and left it there with the application running for 30 minutes while he laid in a prone position and entered a Zen-like trance.

To be on the safe side, Bert left the application running for an additional 15 minutes. He would have left it longer, but a sexually exciting vibration in his pocket told him that a call was coming in on his phone. It was his credit card company. He had exceeded his credit limit because of the $10,000 that had been paid to the HotWetSkin Porn Download company in the last 45 minutes.

Bert didn’t connect the credit card charges with Spams R Us because he, in fact, had used a porn download service, although one with a different name, HotPorns R Us. He figured it was that company, and not Spams R Us, that had cleaned out his credit card.

Before dealing with fraud that had been committed against him, Bert took the opportunity to look down his pants. Despite leaving the male enhancement app running an additional 15 minutes beyond the recommended time, he couldn’t discern any penis growth. He was furious.

That’s when he contacted Spams R Us demanding a refund. Obviously, he hadn’t read the fine print that clearly stated that the product was guaranteed only for it’s lifetime, not Bert’s lifetime. If the product wasn’t working, obviously it’s life had expired and the warrantee was void.

I knew something like this had happened even before being told. I could hear the laughter emanating from the Spams R Us offices, which are three floors above mine and on the other side of the building.

Shalampax’s spam companies are reporting that holiday sales have been exceptionally high this year. As a result, in the new year the world will be filled with millions of women with larger, firmer breasts and millions of men with longer, thicker penises; and erectile dysfunction should be a thing of the past for many of the men who suffer from it now.

Our spam companies are at a loss to explain why holiday sales were so strong this year. However, they think that a great many people likely intend to pay off their holiday-induced debts with the millions of dollars that they foresee receiving from the unexpected inheritances they got from people they don’t know or from their winnings from lotteries for which they didn’t buy tickets. This, too, has added to our spam companies’ holiday profits.

These people have been promised that they will receive their money as soon as they provide complete banking details and remit the $280 administration fees. No doubt, they are hoping that the money will arrive in time to pay the large credit card bills they incurred buying male and female enhancement products from our spam companies. Where would the worlds’ businesses be without such a wealth of incredibly gullible people. Paahlm bless them.

Aren’t the holidays grand?

My congratulations go out to the guys and gals at our spam companies on their tremendous success. Happy holidays!

This is the time of year when many people, in many parts of the world feverishly shop for Christmas, Chanukah (aka, Hanukkah) and whatever presents. During this joyous spending season, the leaders of Shalampax’s spam companies have asked me to remind you that male enhancement and breast enlarging and firming lotions, potions and contraptions make perfect gifts.

What insecure person on your list wouldn’t want to get the gift of a longer, thicker penis or a larger, firmer breast, as the case may be? So, this festive season, give your family, friends, neighbors, coworkers and paramours the present they really want. Give them the porn star body parts they always dreamed of, but were afraid to ask for.

There is still plenty of time to order and have your gift delivered in time for Christmas. Chanukah is almost here and our spam companies cannot promise to have deliveries in your loved ones hands, so to speak, in time for the first night of Chanukah. However, order right now, and our spam companies guarantee to have your gift delivered in time for the lighting of the eighth candle.

I can’t give you a Web site to visit because our spam companies change their Web addresses frequently for security reasons, but check your email inbox. There you will, no doubt, find dozens or possibly even hundreds of offers from our spam companies giving complete ordering information and, in particular, instructions on how to pay for your orders.

I hope that each and every one of you will have a Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, or Joyous Whatever. And I feel confident in saying that, if you put these gifts to use, you will definitely have a very Happy New Year.

I sometimes get emails from men outside of Shalampax who question whether the male enhancement products offered by our fine spam companies do, indeed, work. These men don’t want to give their credit card information to our spam companies unless they can be certain that the products will, in fact, increase the size of their penises.

I’m shocked and appalled right down to the very core of my being that anyone would question the integrity of our spam companies, but there you have it. Surprising though it may be, there are some skeptical people out there.

I want to allay their concerns, but being a woman, I can’t personally vouch for these products. Instead, I did the next best thing. I went right to the top. I spoke to Bloodynose, CEO of Spams R Us, Shalampax’s leading spam company and asked him if he could offer any proof that his male enhancement products were effective.

Bloodynose responded, “Absolutely! In fact, I’m not only the CEO of the company, but I’m also a customer. I use our leading male enhancement cream regularly and it never fails to enlarge my penis.

“Of course, as with all medical products, you do have to follow the directions provided on the label. You can’t just squirt the cream on your penis and expect it to work. Instead, you have to rub it in with a repeated back and forth motion.

“One thing that we should probably have mentioned on the product’s packaging, but we didn’t, is that you may secrete chemicals through the pores in your hand that can reduce, although rarely eliminate, the effectiveness of the cream.

“We don’t know the reason for this, but you might find that, ironically, a women’s body chemistry is more favorable for the application of our male enhancement creams than yours is. I’ve noticed this effect myself. I find that my penis reacts much faster and with improved results when a woman applies our penis enlarging product to my penis.”

Bloodynose went on to offer some additional advice to customers. “There are three side effects that I’d like people to be aware of so they won’t be concerned should they occur.

“First, in addition to enlarging your penis, our male enhancement cream usually firms it as well. Don’t worry. This is normal.

“Second, the enlarging and firming effects of the cream are not permanent. You must reapply it using the same rubbing motion to re-enlarge your penis after it reduces to its former size.

“And, finally, if you spend too long applying the cream or you apply it too vigorously you may find that a secretion suddenly ejects from the end of our penis. I can assure customers that this condition is perfectly harmless. In fact, I usually find it to be quite enjoyable.”

Um, OK. Thank you, Bloodynose, for putting your prospective customers’ minds at ease. I’m sure their orders will be flooding in any minute now.

Spams R Us, Shalampax’s leading spam company, has long been stuffing the email inboxes of hundreds of millions of what it assumes are adoring prospective customers. It sends out billions of offers every month just for male enhancement creams and lotions that firm and enlarge breasts. In fact, those are the company’s biggest—no pun intended—profit makers.

Today, it’s launching a packaging innovation that it thinks will dramatically increase sales and capture new customers. As I’m writing this, Spams R Us’ thousands of hijacked spam bots are busy churning out offers for the Super Boobdick Enhancement Twin-Pack, which is also known as the Boobdick Twin-Pack, for short—definitely no pun intended.

The Boobdick Twin-Pack bundles a supply of Spams R Us’ highest-selling male enhancement cream with a supply of it’s highest-selling bust enlargement and firming lotion, all in a single package.

The company sees two prospective markets for its twin-pack. The first market is comprised of heterosexual couples in which both of the members feel the need for a little anatomical enhancement. The second market consists of people about to undergo a sex change operation and who want to have the best of both worlds on either side of the operation.

The thinking is that prospective customers in these markets will appreciate being able to satisfy both needs with a single, online order, at a slightly lower price than if they ordered the two separately. And they’ll incur only a one shipping and handling charge rather than two.

In addition, letter carriers are always suspicious when they deliver plain brown packages. Delivering one package instead of two will cut in half the probability that letter carriers will guess couples’ or transsexuals’ deficiencies before they have a chance to augment their assets.

This is an exciting announcement from Spams R Us. Keep an eye on your email inbox for the thousands of fabulous Super Boobdick Enhancement Twin-Pack offers that are heading your way. And, when they arrive, don’t delay. This is an unlimited-time offer.