Hey, peeps. Are you sitting down? If not, you might want to do so before you read this because I’ve got news that will knock you off your feet. You wouldn’t want to hurt your ass when you fell, now would you?
Tuboflard, Chief Medical Officer at the Shalampax Medical Clinic — or I should say former Chief Medical Officer, but more on that later — has lost weight; a lot of weight. Whereas in the past her weight technically qualified her as a not so small building, she’s now packing only 180 pounds on that 5′ 8″ body of hers.
There’s still no chance that Tuboflard will be mistaken for anorexic, but, without having to stand too far back, most people’s peripheral vision is now more than adequate to take in the full width of her. In the past, most rooms in Shalampax weren’t big enough to allow people to stand far enough back for that.
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I am pleased to announce that Tuboflard, the Chief Medical Officer at the Shalampax Medical Clinic, is having great success with her diet. She has already lost almost one hundred pounds.
She has succeeded in her diet by taking the occasional break from eating rather than eating continuously throughout the day as she did in the past. I fear that she might have to go a little further if she’s going to continue to lose weight.
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Over the years, an obesity epidemic has pervaded Shalampax. It did not happen abruptly, but rather it crept up unnoticed and grew until it could no longer be ignored.
Under the emergency powers that it has always held, the Shalampax Medical Clinic is taking bold steps to address this problem. Effective immediately, Shalampax will switch to metric measures, at least when it comes to people’s weights.
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Rottentomato, owner of Shalampax’s Most Expensive Restaurant, keeps his eye on culinary trends around the world. He has, with some trepidation, witnessed the expanding worldwide distress about obesity. This girth anxiety has not yet reached Shalampax’s shores, but Rottentomato wants to stay ahead of the curve to ensure that a possible future concern about calories future will not affect his restaurant’s bottom line.
As a result, Rottentomato recently introduced a Waist-Watchers program at Shalampax’s Most Expensive Restaurant. This is not to be confused with the trademarked Weight Watchers plans and products from Weight Watchers International, Inc.
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In an earlier post I inadvertently revealed that the Chief Medical Officer (CMO) at the Shalampax Medical Clinic is a tad obese. That’s a tad obese as in, able to block out the sun’s light when standing 30 paces from the viewer.
She is so fat that she has to grease her sides to squeeze through a standard size door. Even then, she requires the help of a several people to push her through.
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