It has only been a few days since Spams R Us announced that everything it sold now comes with a lifetime guarantee, but the company has already received a warrantee claim.
Some guy named Bert Peenberger downloaded Spams R Us’ free male enhancement smart phone application. As per the installation instructions, he ignored the spyware warnings that his smart phone flashed up while the app was installing.
I have just uncovered some astounding information. As is the case in Shalampax, many school boards around the world include sex education as part of their curriculum, although the grade at which it is introduced varies.
That’s not the shocking news. I’ve done considerable research on the Web and I’ve found, much to my amazement, that it seems as though the Shalampax school board is the only one that includes extensive use of porn videos and hands-on labs as part of the sex education courses it teaches to youngsters.
There are many things about the outside world that baffle me, but this takes the cake. How will teenagers ever learn superior sex positions and moves if not through extensive study of porn and by practicing what they learn in a supervised, coached environment? I shutter to think of the implications that this has for the sexual prowess of people elsewhere. They must be really lousy in bed.
It has come to my attention that some people outside of Shalampax took serious offense to yesterday’s column by Poopydiaper on the Shalampax school’s computer-generated art contest. In particular, these people found the winning picture, One of Mommy’s Many Special Friends, by Peeonfloor, which depicted a naked man standing “at attention,” if you get my drift, to be especially odious.
Because Shalampaxians’ consider porn to be one of the highest art forms, we have become desensitized to pictures of this nature. And, because it was a line drawing, rather than a photograph, we didn’t think anyone would object.
A time-use survey was recently conducted among a random sampling of 150 Shalampaxians. All 150 participants were asked to keep track of the time they spent on various activities over the course of a week. Their logs were then collected and daily averages were compiled.
As can be seen from the following table and pie chart, Shalampaxians slept an average of 8.9 hours per day, making sleep the biggest single consumer of Shalampaxians’ time.
After finding out that, despite how few people live here, Shalampax boasts the greatest number of her loyal fans in any one country, porn star Sindy Deeplie applied for a visa to visit Shalampax for what she claimed to be a public relations visit.
I’ve learned that it wasn’t really the large number of fans and the potential to promote herself and her porn films to us that motivated Sindy to apply to come (no pun intended) here. Instead, she made her decision after she heard that it is the custom of all Shalampaxians to eat foreigners. Apparently she misunderstood what we meant by “eat.”
Spams R Us, Inc., the leading spam company in Shalampax, announced its financial results today. Despite the global economic downturn, profits are way up.
A spokesman for Spams R Us attributed the company’s good fortune to a number of factors:
Spams R Us is very confident that it will be able to continue to grow its profits in the future. In order to get the word out to anyone and everyone who might be interested in investing in the company, Spams R. Us plans to send out more than 250 million emails notifying people of the company’s financial results.
