Shalampax Speaks

It has only been a few days since Spams R Us announced that everything it sold now comes with a lifetime guarantee, but the company has already received a warrantee claim.

Some guy named Bert Peenberger downloaded Spams R Us’ free male enhancement smart phone application. As per the installation instructions, he ignored the spyware warnings that his smart phone flashed up while the app was installing.

Bert then used his credit card and the activation function in the male enhancement application to pay Spams R Us the $29.99 required to activate the software. With that done, he started the application running and, as per the instructions on the screen, he placed his smart phone in his right front pants pocket and left it there with the application running for 30 minutes while he laid in a prone position and entered a Zen-like trance.

To be on the safe side, Bert left the application running for an additional 15 minutes. He would have left it longer, but a sexually exciting vibration in his pocket told him that a call was coming in on his phone. It was his credit card company. He had exceeded his credit limit because of the $10,000 that had been paid to the HotWetSkin Porn Download company in the last 45 minutes.

Bert didn’t connect the credit card charges with Spams R Us because he, in fact, had used a porn download service, although one with a different name, HotPorns R Us. He figured it was that company, and not Spams R Us, that had cleaned out his credit card.

Before dealing with fraud that had been committed against him, Bert took the opportunity to look down his pants. Despite leaving the male enhancement app running an additional 15 minutes beyond the recommended time, he couldn’t discern any penis growth. He was furious.

That’s when he contacted Spams R Us demanding a refund. Obviously, he hadn’t read the fine print that clearly stated that the product was guaranteed only for it’s lifetime, not Bert’s lifetime. If the product wasn’t working, obviously it’s life had expired and the warrantee was void.

I knew something like this had happened even before being told. I could hear the laughter emanating from the Spams R Us offices, which are three floors above mine and on the other side of the building.

I have just uncovered some astounding information. As is the case in Shalampax, many school boards around the world include sex education as part of their curriculum, although the grade at which it is introduced varies.

That’s not the shocking news. I’ve done considerable research on the Web and I’ve found, much to my amazement, that it seems as though the Shalampax school board is the only one that includes extensive use of porn videos and hands-on labs as part of the sex education courses it teaches to youngsters.

There are many things about the outside world that baffle me, but this takes the cake. How will teenagers ever learn superior sex positions and moves if not through extensive study of porn and by practicing what they learn in a supervised, coached environment? I shutter to think of the implications that this has for the sexual prowess of people elsewhere. They must be really lousy in bed.

I have never been as proud of Shalampax as I am right now.

It has come to my attention that some people outside of Shalampax took serious offense to yesterday’s column by Poopydiaper on the Shalampax school’s computer-generated art contest. In particular, these people found the winning picture, One of Mommy’s Many Special Friends, by Peeonfloor, which depicted a naked man standing “at attention,” if you get my drift, to be especially odious.

Because Shalampaxians’ consider porn to be one of the highest art forms, we have become desensitized to pictures of this nature. And, because it was a line drawing, rather than a photograph, we didn’t think anyone would object.

Not being familiar with the peoples and customs outside of Shalampax, we were unaware that the penises of men elsewhere did not get erect and, therefore, the picture would offend them.

In addition, the school felt it was important to encourage the artistic side of its students, rather than castigating them for their choice of subject matter.

I sincerely apologize for this incident. We did not intend to offend. I promise that it will not happen again unless, of course, the school holds another such contest with a similar winning picture.

A time-use survey was recently conducted among a random sampling of 150 Shalampaxians. All 150 participants were asked to keep track of the time they spent on various activities over the course of a week. Their logs were then collected and daily averages were compiled.

As can be seen from the following table and pie chart, Shalampaxians slept an average of 8.9 hours per day, making sleep the biggest single consumer of Shalampaxians’ time.

Time-Use Statistics (Hours)

The second-highest amount of time, 7.3 hours daily, was spent watching porn. If you add in the 3 hours of non-pornographic television and video viewing, the total time spent watching all TV and videos, 10.3 hours daily, exceeds the average sleep time.

I don’t have any statistics for the world as a whole, but the above numbers seem about right to me. I assume that the time-use statistics for people elsewhere are close to these averages.

There are, however, a couple of interesting numbers. For example, the study showed an average of only 2 hours per day of work. Keep in mind that the survey averaged not just the work-hours on workdays, but also the hours spent (zero) working on weekends and holidays. This lowered the average to below what it would have been if only the number of workdays had been used in the denominator of the calculation. However, this still means that Shalampaxians work only about 14 hours per week.

As I’m sure is the case with people everywhere, most Shalampaxians spend considerable time at work watching porn while their bosses aren’t around. The survey doesn’t tell us whether the respondents included this as porn-watching time or as work time. So, the actual porn time may be higher than is indicated by the survey and productive-work time may be correspondingly lower.

Another interesting number is the 0.5 hours per day that was recorded as the time spent engaging in sex. This number is questionable because, even when a sample of only heterosexuals, equally divided between males and females, was selected from within the larger sample, this still differed considerably between men and women.

The women reported that they, on average, had sex five minutes per day. The men, on the other hand (the pun was not intended, but is likely accurate) reported that, on average, they had sex for 55 minutes per day. The women’s extra minutes were all recorded in the “working” and “watching porn” categories.

What I draw from this is, considering how little time we work, it’s amazing that we get anything done at all. Our good lives must, therefore, be tremendous gifts from Paahlm.

A sample of this size is considered to be accurate within plus or minus 0.05 hours, 19 times out of 20, as if anyone cares.

Requisite Useless Pie Chart

After finding out that, despite how few people live here, Shalampax boasts the greatest number of her loyal fans in any one country, porn star Sindy Deeplie applied for a visa to visit Shalampax for what she claimed to be a public relations visit.

I’ve learned that it wasn’t really the large number of fans and the potential to promote herself and her porn films to us that motivated Sindy to apply to come (no pun intended) here. Instead, she made her decision after she heard that it is the custom of all Shalampaxians to eat foreigners. Apparently she misunderstood what we meant by “eat.”

What do you think? Should we grant her a visa?

Spams R Us, Inc., the leading spam company in Shalampax, announced its financial results today. Despite the global economic downturn, profits are way up.

A spokesman for Spams R Us attributed the company’s good fortune to a number of factors:

• The fake Nigerian inheritance scam spam had died off for a while, but it was successfully resurrected last quarter.
    
• Spams R Us has penetrated the porn market more deeply than it had in the past.
    
• The profitability of spam that promotes Viagra substitutes has risen very firmly.
    
• Male and female enhancement spam profits are enlarging.
    
• Spam promoting courses teaching how to get more sex is showing mixed results. The department that generates such spam directed at women is blossoming, but the men are just holding their own.

Spams R Us is very confident that it will be able to continue to grow its profits in the future. In order to get the word out to anyone and everyone who might be interested in investing in the company, Spams R. Us plans to send out more than 250 million emails notifying people of the company’s financial results.