That’s it! I’m reading the Riot Act! I would have read it before, but we didn’t have a riot act, so I had to write one.
For the last three days in a row, reporters here at Shalampax Speaks have been writing about and linking to the Church of Infinitiaty. There was even a link to the church’s doctrine on Created Evolution.
These were plugs, plain and simple. There is no excuse for it. Clearly, vested interests were being served. This is completely unacceptable in the news and editorial pages of any respectable journal, whether online or print.
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I am sublimely blissful in a totally spiritual sort of way.
Why? A number of people thought that Religco was being overly optimistic in its forecasts for the success of the re-launch of the Infinitiaty faith. However, it turns out that Religco grossly underestimated its profits from the religion.
It’s been less than two days since Religco announced the re-launch of the Church of Infinitiaty, the faith with an infinity of Gods, but the company’s revenue from the religion is already well ahead of where it was expected to be three months from now. Some religion-business analysts are saying Infinitiaty is going to be the biggest thing to hit the religion business since Jesus. (Although they try to avoid saying that in front of Christians because Christians are very protective of the Jesus brand.)
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Damn! Damn! Damn!
You’d think that after all of this time covering the business beat here at Shalampax Speaks I would have learned by now. If the stock of a Shalampax company starts going up, buy in and buy in big at the first sign of any share price movement. It’s a sure sign of insider trading.
Here in Shalampax, insider trading is not only allowed, it’s not only condoned, it’s actually enthusiastically encouraged. The only time insider trading is illegal is if the company fails to inform the Prime Minister of Shalampax and at least two of his or her Cabinet Ministers of the insider information before any insiders begin to trade based on that information.
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Many venerable religions have customs and practices that, to outsiders, seem to be outdated, inane, barbaric or, sometimes, all three simultaneously. Paahlmism, the native religion of Shalampax, is no exception.
Consider, for example, our stricture against mixing corn and beans in a single meal. This law is as old as the Paahlmist faith itself. Nobody remembers why this commandment was instituted in the religion, but it remains a strict law of the faith nonetheless.
Many people find this rule against mixing beans and corn to be absurd, but what has some folks particularly up in arms is what, in their eyes, is the exceptionally archaic and barbaric nature of the punishment for committing this sin. The punishment is stoning.
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Considering how many religions there are in the world, and particularly right here in Shalampax, there must be at least one faith for which today is hallowed. Heck, for all I know, there could be dozens of religious holidays today.
Consequently, I’m celebrating a religious holiday today and, therefore, won’t be writing a blog post. I don’t know which religion(s) have holidays today, but it would be disrespectful of me, the religion and spirituality writer here at Shalampax Speaks, to not honor the holiday(s) of those faith(s). Furthermore, it would be an infringement of my religious freedoms if my boss refused to give me the day off.
So, sorry, I will not be posting a column in this spot today.
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Covering the religion beat for a major publication such as Shalampax Speaks is bound to eventually have a significant impact on you. In fact, it’s gotten to the point where I’m almost starting to believe this crap.
Today, I’m feeling particularly spiritually fulfilled. Maybe all of my writing about religion has filled me with the spirit of one god or another. Or maybe it’s because we have so many religions to choose from here in Shalampax thanks to our many successful cult religion companies. Or maybe it’s the 12 gin and tonics I just polished me off that filled me with spirits. Whatever, I’m feeling particularly blessed today.
Why shouldn’t I? I recently bought 100 shares of Religco, Shalampax’s leading cult religion company. In just the past two weeks alone, it’s doubled in value. Rumor has it that they are planning a launch sometime in the next few weeks that is expected to really shake up the religion business.
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