Shalampax Speaks

Here’s a fact that you probably don’t know. And you won’t hear it anywhere else. Thorough searches of the patent databases of all major industrialized countries shows that not a single patent has ever been issued to a Shalampaxian.

You might conclude from this that Shalampaxians are not the least bit innovative. You would be wrong. We have innovativeness up the wazoo, whatever the hell that means.

Another pertinent statistic is much more difficult to verify, but the margin is enormous enough to say confidently that, on a per capita basis, Shalampaxians have originated more successful innovative scams than citizens of any other country.

For some reason, patent offices are not willing to register patents on our scam business processes, despite the fact that they are novel, useful and non-obvious.

Who knew that they patent authorities were so small-minded? Go figure.

Miscellaneous innovation, innovative, patents, scams

I have shocking news, peeps!

The rumors are too widespread to be ignored. It seems that Discardedporkrind has been running a classic Ponzi scheme. The word is that thousands of people have been bilked, including some Shalampaxians, but mostly foreigners.

If the claims are to be believed, and there is every reason to believe that they should be, Discardedporkrind has taken in roughly $100 million, over and above the meager funds he paid out to keep early “investors” interested.

Adding insult to injury, there is talk that he used his position as CEO of one of Shalampax’s leading spam firms to send out hundreds of millions of spam emails promoting his scheme, without compensating his company for those services. The other shareholders will, no doubt, be livid as a result of not being cut in on the scam.

As best I can tell, Discardedporkrind has gone into seclusion in his apartment. He is apparently too embarrassed to show his face anywhere in Shalampax.

“It’s understandable,” said one of his friends, who spoke with me only on the condition of anonymity. “Now that Discardedporkrind’s scheme has been discovered, his shame knows no bounds.”

She continued, “he is too mortified to look any of his family or friends in the eye. Wouldn’t you be? Over the course of history, various Shalampaxians have run more than 400 Ponzi schemes in total. Not one of those schemes has taken in less than $250 million and a number have broken the $1 billion mark.

“Discardedporkrind has proven himself to be a complete and utter failure. I wouldn’t want to show my face anywhere either if I were him. I’m just worried that he might do something foolish, like decide to go on living. I hope I’d have the good sense to end it all if the best I could eke out of a Ponzi scheme was a lousy $100 million.”

Gossip Ponzi schemes, scams, spams

Spams R Us, Inc., the leading spam company in Shalampax, announced its financial results today. Despite the global economic downturn, profits are way up.

A spokesman for Spams R Us attributed the company’s good fortune to a number of factors:

• The fake Nigerian inheritance scam spam had died off for a while, but it was successfully resurrected last quarter.
    
• Spams R Us has penetrated the porn market more deeply than it had in the past.
    
• The profitability of spam that promotes Viagra substitutes has risen very firmly.
    
• Male and female enhancement spam profits are enlarging.
    
• Spam promoting courses teaching how to get more sex is showing mixed results. The department that generates such spam directed at women is blossoming, but the men are just holding their own.

Spams R Us is very confident that it will be able to continue to grow its profits in the future. In order to get the word out to anyone and everyone who might be interested in investing in the company, Spams R. Us plans to send out more than 250 million emails notifying people of the company’s financial results.

Business female enhancement, male enhancement, porn, profitability, scams, sex, spam, Viagra