The use of recreational drugs by students at the Shalampax School has gotten out of hand. After much debate, the school board has finally agreed to do something about this outrageous situation.
Effective immediately, any student who is caught smoking marijuana will be forced to remain after the rest of the class has been dismissed. The student will be required to continue to do schoolwork during his or her period of detention. Because all Shalampaxian students utterly despise attending classes and doing schoolwork, this is considered to be a severe form of punishment.
Fortunately, Shalampax has not signed the Geneva Conventions. This punishment protocol might otherwise be considered to be in violation of that treaty.
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The teachers of the Shalampax School believe that they will be mentally ready to resume their positions on Monday September 27. However, because their teaching skills have become rather rusty—and they weren’t much to speak of to begin with—the teachers’ first week back after their extended vacation will be a professional development week.
The professional development sessions will be held in the Third Floor Pub, where the ever-flowing libations are expected to provide teachers with the relaxation they need to fully benefit from their skills-building sessions.
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The Shalampax School Board has unanimously passed a motion put forward by Religco to teach Created Evolution, the Church of Infinitiaty’s doctrine concerning the origin of species, in science classes in all grades of the Shalampax School.
Starting in the next school year, the curriculum will include the truth of Created Evolution alongside the theories of creationism, intelligent design and uncreated evolution.
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Today is Nashonall Teetchars Dae, the day set aside for everyone in the tiny nation of Shalampax to commemorate the fine work done by the dedicated teachers employed by our school. Every year on this day we show all due appreciation of the superb job that our teachers have done in educating our students.
In answer to your questions:
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Back in November, I told you that the Shalampax school board implemented a No Child Left Behind program to combat the problem of parents leaving their children in school after hours, including overnight and, in some cases, over the weekend. The key element in the program is a fee that the school board now charges any parents who leave their children in the school when it’s closed.
I’m happy to report that the No Child Left Behind program has been a tremendous success. Before the school board implemented the program, some parents never thought to leave their children in school to keep them out of their parents’ hair. Now almost all parents do so frequently.
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It is no secret that Shalampaxian students usually perform poorly on any of the tests they take in school. Some people, including most members of the school board, believe that these results are not indicative of a lack of intelligence or knowledge. Instead, these people contend that the poor scores are solely a result of poor test-taking skills.
To compensate for this deficiency, the school board has announced that it will make the following changes to all tests and exams administered in the Shalampax school:
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