This message is intended for only Shalampaxian parents. Everyone else won’t give a damn. Shalampaxian parents won’t give a damn either, but they should.
Many parents treat the Shalampax school as a babysitting service, which, of course, it is not. Parents frequently drop their kids off at the school in the morning and tell them to not come home that night.
To combat this problem, the Shalampax school is implementing a “No Child Left Behind Without Payment” program. Effective immediately, parents will be charged $75 per hour for each hour that a student is left at school past 4:00 p.m. There will be a flat rate of $500 per night for students left at the school overnight.
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Shalampaxians have never put a lot of stock in formal education, or informal education either for that matter. Yet, a transformation is underway that is expected to give Shalampaxians a much greater appreciation of the tremendous worth of education.
A couple of members of the Shalampax school board recently read an article in the popular press about the value that education can contribute to society—any society. Having no opinions of their own on the matter, the school board members decided it would be easiest if they just bought into the concept rather than debating it.
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Paperairplane, principle of Shalampax’s school, went on a spelling kick recently. Principle Paperairplane was determined to implement a policy that would fail any student who is not able to achieve an adequate score on a spelling test appropriate to his or her grade level.
Students protested against Principle Paperairplane’s policy because they think that learning spelling will be too difficult and time-consuming.
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Recognizing the abysmal academic achievement (or, more to the point, deficiency) levels in Shalampax, the Shalampax School Board has commissioned an in-depth study of our school system. This comprehensive investigation will be conducted by a task force composed of some rare scholastic successes among the elite of Shalampax’s academia, such as it is.
No bounds have been placed on the remit of the task force. It will be expected to evaluate teaching methods, early childhood education, textbooks, school hours, curricula, extra curricular activity, discipline within schools and anything else that the task force members deem to be relevant.
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Spiltmilk, a member of the Shalampax school board, has recently been reading the writings of some of the world’s experts on education theory. This always annoys the hell out of the other school board members because implementing the ideas she gets from her readings invariable necessitates unreasonable efforts by the board members, such as signing documents or nodding their heads in assent.
Her latest reading has led Spiltmilk to believe that Shalampax should include physical education in its school program, something that it has never done before. According to Spiltmilk, physical education is an essential part of building not just strong bodies, but also strong minds.
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The term has now ended at Shalampax’s school and I’m pleased to announce that, on average, grades have increased school-wide by 18.3% over last year’s results. Our teachers, principal, administrators, school board members and, even more so, students are to be highly commended.
Cynics will point out that grading standards are very much lower in Shalampax than anywhere else in the world. This is true, but the grading standards have remained constant from year to year, so the improvement is still notable and praiseworthy.
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