The Shalampax Medical Clinic has asked me to pass along the following public health advisory. Shalampax privacy conventions, scant though they may be, do not allow me to comment or expand on an advisory of this nature, so I will simply present it verbatim.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Yesterday evening, Toiletoverflowing held another of his passionately ignored philosophy lectures. In his most recent talk, he conclusively refuted the widespread, very non-Shalampaxian saying, “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”
Toiletoverflowing’s take on the subject was unique and very innovative. Or, at least, I should say that I can’t recall ever hearing anyone say the same thing, but, then again, I don’t pay much attention to anyone.
Toiletoverflowing argued that the way to have one’s cake and eat it too is to assume a different meaning of the word “have” than is normally implied by the adage, “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”
Emptybucket is on a roll. This Thursday, in meeting room 3C, he will hold yet another lecture in his eclectic series of talks. This week’s seminar is titled Human Sexual Behavior.
Emptybucket will open by presenting an introduction to both subtle, hidden human mating behaviors and blatant, horndog courting and flirting signals. Emptybucket will then turn the session over to an open discussion of why he has so much trouble getting any.
In light of yesterday’s news, Emptybucket has asked me to let any women who are thinking of attending know that he has not taken advantage of the opening specials at Shalampax’s Most Exclusive Restaurant. Yeah, like that’s going to be relevant. Wishful thinking reigns supreme in Emptybucket’s pathetic mind.
Currently, the law strictly limits ownership in Shalampaxian companies to Shalampaxian residents. That is about to change.
The Shalampax Securities & Scams Commission (SSSC) has announced that it is getting ready to launch a new stock exchange, the Shalampax Equities eXchange (SEX), that will be open to investors from outside Shalampax.
Online trading will be the order of the day on the SEX. In fact, because no outside brokers are expected to handle SEX-traded stocks, shares sold on the SEX will likely be available only through online systems operated by Shalampax-based firms.
Peeps, isn’t it always the way? I finally get a break from covering the ongoing Openfly saga, and what happens? My first two reports are on one person. This time it’s our massively larger than life chief medical officer at the Shalampax Medical Clinic, Tuboflard. I hope I’m not getting into another rut, but this news is too important to ignore.
Before I tell you what’s happening, I need to put a little background info out there. Those of you who are keeping count will know that Shalampax has been two people below its strict population allocation of 4,242 since the deaths Brushontable and Burnedoutlightbulb, .
If you’ve been following my reportage on Openfly and Dr. Don, you’ll know that Dr. Don has proposed an experiment that might verify that Openfly and, presumably, the rest of us Shalampaxians as well, are Homo sapiens. Because scientists usually use the ability and willingness to interbreed as the basis for their definition of the boundary between species, Dr. Don wants to try to impregnate Openfly and have her carry their baby to full term. If successful, that would prove that Openfly is Homo sapiens.
Just moments ago, Openfly told Dr. Don, “maybe.”
