Shalampax Speaks

It is with sincere sadness and deep regret that Spams R Us, Shalampax’s most profitable spam company, announces the passing of Mrs. Seise-Seiko. Mrs. Seise-Seiko was the widow of the African super-businessman, ultra-despot, and über-misanthrope, Fukutoo Seise-Seiko. Mr. Seise-Seiko was a multi-millionaire many times over.

Mrs. Seise-Seiko is survived by her nine children. At the time of her death, she was living in Nigeria.

Mrs. Seise-Seiko spent the last years of her life relentlessly trying, but failing to get her hands on the inheritance that her husband left her. The money, which was said to total more than $75-million (US), was rightfully hers, but the unscrupulous bankers and government officials who controlled the funds kept demanding payments before they would release it to her.

Spams R Us acted as Mrs. Seise-Seiko’s exclusive agent to find investors who supplied the funds to payoff the crooked bureaucrats and administrators. In return for providing the bribes that the officials demanded, the investors would receive a generous portion of the inheritance once it was delivered.

Unfortunately, every time Mrs. Seise-Seiko made the demanded payment, the corrupt officials reneged and made additional demands. Either that or immediately after they agreed to release the money, but before Mrs. Seise-Seiko could get it, control of the funds passed to other officials who made similar demands.

Right up to the moment of her death, Mrs. Seise-Seiko acutely regretted that, because the inheritance was never turned over to her, none of her investors were repaid the funds they sent to help her, nor did the investors profit from any of the inheritance.

Mrs. Seise-Seiko’s death revealed a bit of a mystery. It is not known why she offered to bring in investors to share in her husband’s fortune. It turns out that she owned a very large fortune in her own right, a fortune that was even greater than her husband’s.

This just shows the extreme generosity of the woman. She could have kept the entire inheritance to herself, but she chose to also enrich others—people who were complete strangers to her—if only the corrupt officials had released the funds. If only.

Mrs. Seise-Seiko’s will divided everything she owned equally among her nine children. Unfortunately, the same corrupt bank and government officials are still holding their father’s fortune for ransom, just as they did when her mother was trying to claim it.

To make matters worse, Mrs. Seise-Seiko kept her own money in a different bank than her husband. That bank is located in a different country than the bank holding the late Mr. Seise-Seiko’s fortune.

There are different, but equally corrupt bank and government officials placing roadblocks between the children and the money they rightfully inherited from their mother. Those nefarious officials are also demanding payments before they will release the funds. So now, rather than just one set of administrators and bureaucrats demanding bribes, now there are two sets that must be sated.

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. All of Mrs. Seise-Seiko’s children are making the same generous offer as their mother. They will share their inherited wealth with investors who provide them with the seed capital necessary to unlock their funds.

All of the children have signed exclusive contracts with Spams R Us to act as their agents to seek out suitable and deserving investors. Beginning tomorrow, Spams R Us will start sending out billions of emails soliciting investments. Because Mrs. Seise-Seiko’s children are all of the highest of integrity, they will deal only with investors who are equally trustworthy.

Hey peeps, here’s a freakily weird story for you.

During one of our near-constant storms, a massive wave washed up on our shores, as they frequently do. A couple of hours later, the inclement weather subsided sufficiently for Pigsface to dash outside briefly to catch a bit of air.

(Just to be clear, in Shalampax, the term “inclement” refers to any weather that is just short of catastrophic, catastrophic, or beyond catastrophic. Weather that is any less calamitous than that is referred to as “pleasant.”)

During his brief stroll outside, Pigsface, a couch potato who is unemployed because Shalampax is oversupplied with couch potatoes, spotted a bottle. How it survived the storm is a mystery. Double-hulled steel ships are usually no match for the jagged rocks surrounding our island and our near-perpetual super-gale-force winds. But somehow, this bottle was intact.

The bottle was corked and well-sealed with something resembling wax, but much sturdier.

When Pigsface managed to remove the cork, he extracted and read a message that had been placed in the bottle.

Are you sitting down? The message was a printout of an email. We were able to trace the email address of the recipient. It’s someone in Oregon, USA. Guess what the email message was? It was spam sent by Spams R Us, Shalampax’s largest spam company.

Here’s the ironic part. Shalampaxians normally never receive spam. Almost all of the world’s spam originates in Shalampax and our spam companies don’t send spam to their fellow Shalampaxians. Publicly, they state that this is a courtesy granted to their countrymen and countrywomen.

In truth, that’s not it at all. Our spam companies assume that all Shalampaxians are cheap bastards and bitches who almost certainly would never buy any of the stuff promoted in spam unless the “buyer” could cheat the spam company out of the price of the item.

That’s what the spam companies thought. However, it turns out that they were wrong, at least in the case of one Shalampaxian. Pigsface is now the proud owner of a bottle of Spams R Us’ Macho Man Super Male-Enhancement Lotion.

Good luck with that, Pigsface.

It looks like Tuboflard has solved the financial problems that ensued when she lost her job as Chief Medical Officer after losing so much weight that she could no make the rest of us feel good about our obesity by comparing ourselves to her.

It turns out that her miracle weight loss resulted from more than just self-motivated diet and exercise. Tuboflard had her stomach stapled by the doctors at the Shalampax Medical Clinic. Now, she’s figured out a way to make some money off her experience.

Tuboflard is teaming up with Spams R Us, Shalampax’s biggest spam company, to sell a Miracle Diet Pack that will allow purchasers to experience the same miracle weight loss as Tuboflard.

The kit, which will sell for $279.95, or three easy installments of just $99.95, will include an off-the-shelf office stapler, a pack of 25 staples, and a band that can be used to restrict the size of the buyer’s stomach. There will also be an instruction booklet that says the following:

To be used only under the supervision of a qualified gastrointestinal surgeon. Not to be used if a doctor advises against its use. Always speak to your doctor before using this product.

Of course, the spam emails promoting the Miracle Diet Pack will not include those warnings. Buyers will learn about the warnings only after they pay the non-refundable fees and receive their kits.

Spams R Us is not expecting to receive any complaints as a result of this offer because, unlike most of Spams R Us’ other promotions, buyers will actually get something in return for their payments. To further reduce the likelihood of complaints, Spams R us will not provide the company’s address, email, or phone number. Orders will be placed through the Web, with no way for customers to contact Spams R Us other than to place an order.

Spams R Us will be hijacking thousands of innocent computers and spoofing legitimate email return addresses beginning Monday. The company expects to send out one billion spams promoting the new Miracle Diet Pack in the first week alone.

Some Spams R Us customers have recently complained that checks from Spams R Us for the customers’ portions of promised lottery winnings or inheritances have gotten lost in the mail. These postal losses have occurred after the customers promptly paid the required account-unlocking fees, which range from $500 to $50,000. Because the customers’ shares of lottery or inheritance funds are typically worth millions of dollars each, these customers have, understandably, felt aggrieved.

Those customers who responded to multiple email solicitations, paying multiple account-unlocking fees, feel multiply aggrieved.

The executives at Spams R Us have asked me to assure the public that they feel their customers’ pains and they are determined to rectify the situation as quickly as possible. If the checks have not arrived after eight weeks, customers can request replacement checks; no questions asked.

Obviously, customers will be required to pay a small administration, handling and postage fee before a new check will be issued. This fee, which is currently $500 (U.S.), must be paid by certified check or, preferably, unmarked bills of U.S. currency. Spams R Us will not issue new checks until this fee has been received and verified.

Should the replacement check be lost in the mail, an additional administration, handling and postage fee must be paid before a check will be sent out to replace the first replacement check.

It has only been a few days since Spams R Us announced that everything it sold now comes with a lifetime guarantee, but the company has already received a warrantee claim.

Some guy named Bert Peenberger downloaded Spams R Us’ free male enhancement smart phone application. As per the installation instructions, he ignored the spyware warnings that his smart phone flashed up while the app was installing.

Bert then used his credit card and the activation function in the male enhancement application to pay Spams R Us the $29.99 required to activate the software. With that done, he started the application running and, as per the instructions on the screen, he placed his smart phone in his right front pants pocket and left it there with the application running for 30 minutes while he laid in a prone position and entered a Zen-like trance.

To be on the safe side, Bert left the application running for an additional 15 minutes. He would have left it longer, but a sexually exciting vibration in his pocket told him that a call was coming in on his phone. It was his credit card company. He had exceeded his credit limit because of the $10,000 that had been paid to the HotWetSkin Porn Download company in the last 45 minutes.

Bert didn’t connect the credit card charges with Spams R Us because he, in fact, had used a porn download service, although one with a different name, HotPorns R Us. He figured it was that company, and not Spams R Us, that had cleaned out his credit card.

Before dealing with fraud that had been committed against him, Bert took the opportunity to look down his pants. Despite leaving the male enhancement app running an additional 15 minutes beyond the recommended time, he couldn’t discern any penis growth. He was furious.

That’s when he contacted Spams R Us demanding a refund. Obviously, he hadn’t read the fine print that clearly stated that the product was guaranteed only for it’s lifetime, not Bert’s lifetime. If the product wasn’t working, obviously it’s life had expired and the warrantee was void.

I knew something like this had happened even before being told. I could hear the laughter emanating from the Spams R Us offices, which are three floors above mine and on the other side of the building.

Spams R Us, Shalampax’s leading spam company, has devised an exciting way for people outside the company to participate in the enormous profits available from spam.

The company will shortly begin to divide its spam mailings into batches of 10 million emails each. The company will then sell to the general public up to 10 shares in each of these batches. Owners of each share will receive 10 percent of the net profits, after expenses, from their spam batch. Spams R Us may sell all 10 shares of a particular batch to the public or it may retain some or all of them for its own account.

Each batch will contain a single email sent to 10 million addresses. The price of the share of a batch will depend on what the batch’s email promotes—male enhancement potions, breast enlargement lotions, cheap pharmaceuticals, inheritance unlocking plans, etc.

The price of a share will vary depending on the average historical profit of that type of spam. The price will be set such that, based on historical averages, investors should expect to make about a 20 percent return on their investments.

Of course, as they say, past performance is not necessarily an accurate indicator of future returns. Some people may or may not see investment returns of significantly greater than 20 percent and some might achieve lower returns. In no case will any investor lose more than his or her initial investment, however there is no guarantee that there will be any profit or that any of the original investment will be returned.

To protect the trade secrets of Spams R Us, the release of which might negatively affect the profitability of the company’s spam and, therefore the return on investors’ investments, Spams R Us will divulge spam share prices only to individuals who sign a nondisclosure agreement. In addition, the company will assume full responsibility for recording sales of shares, tracking revenues received, and calculating the resulting profits. To protect the confidentiality of this proprietary data, outside auditors will not be allowed to review the raw data.

If you would like to invest in this spam plan, please state your interest in a comment on this blog post. This is an amazing way to benefit from spam, in addition, of course, to buying the unbelievably valuable products and services promoted by the spam!

Spams R Us will be sending out one billion emails promoting this spam share program next week and an additional billion the following week. Unfortunately, that is too soon for the company to be able to sell shares in the spam mailings promoting this incredible investment.