Shalampax Speaks

Spams R Us, Shalampax’s leading spam company, has devised an exciting way for people outside the company to participate in the enormous profits available from spam.

The company will shortly begin to divide its spam mailings into batches of 10 million emails each. The company will then sell to the general public up to 10 shares in each of these batches. Owners of each share will receive 10 percent of the net profits, after expenses, from their spam batch. Spams R Us may sell all 10 shares of a particular batch to the public or it may retain some or all of them for its own account.

Each batch will contain a single email sent to 10 million addresses. The price of the share of a batch will depend on what the batch’s email promotes—male enhancement potions, breast enlargement lotions, cheap pharmaceuticals, inheritance unlocking plans, etc.

The price of a share will vary depending on the average historical profit of that type of spam. The price will be set such that, based on historical averages, investors should expect to make about a 20 percent return on their investments.

Of course, as they say, past performance is not necessarily an accurate indicator of future returns. Some people may or may not see investment returns of significantly greater than 20 percent and some might achieve lower returns. In no case will any investor lose more than his or her initial investment, however there is no guarantee that there will be any profit or that any of the original investment will be returned.

To protect the trade secrets of Spams R Us, the release of which might negatively affect the profitability of the company’s spam and, therefore the return on investors’ investments, Spams R Us will divulge spam share prices only to individuals who sign a nondisclosure agreement. In addition, the company will assume full responsibility for recording sales of shares, tracking revenues received, and calculating the resulting profits. To protect the confidentiality of this proprietary data, outside auditors will not be allowed to review the raw data.

If you would like to invest in this spam plan, please state your interest in a comment on this blog post. This is an amazing way to benefit from spam, in addition, of course, to buying the unbelievably valuable products and services promoted by the spam!

Spams R Us will be sending out one billion emails promoting this spam share program next week and an additional billion the following week. Unfortunately, that is too soon for the company to be able to sell shares in the spam mailings promoting this incredible investment.

Business spam

Shalampax’s spam companies are reporting that holiday sales have been exceptionally high this year. As a result, in the new year the world will be filled with millions of women with larger, firmer breasts and millions of men with longer, thicker penises; and erectile dysfunction should be a thing of the past for many of the men who suffer from it now.

Our spam companies are at a loss to explain why holiday sales were so strong this year. However, they think that a great many people likely intend to pay off their holiday-induced debts with the millions of dollars that they foresee receiving from the unexpected inheritances they got from people they don’t know or from their winnings from lotteries for which they didn’t buy tickets. This, too, has added to our spam companies’ holiday profits.

These people have been promised that they will receive their money as soon as they provide complete banking details and remit the $280 administration fees. No doubt, they are hoping that the money will arrive in time to pay the large credit card bills they incurred buying male and female enhancement products from our spam companies. Where would the worlds’ businesses be without such a wealth of incredibly gullible people. Paahlm bless them.

Aren’t the holidays grand?

My congratulations go out to the guys and gals at our spam companies on their tremendous success. Happy holidays!

Business female enhancement, inheritances, lotteries, lottery, male enhancement, spam

I sometimes get emails from men outside of Shalampax who question whether the male enhancement products offered by our fine spam companies do, indeed, work. These men don’t want to give their credit card information to our spam companies unless they can be certain that the products will, in fact, increase the size of their penises.

I’m shocked and appalled right down to the very core of my being that anyone would question the integrity of our spam companies, but there you have it. Surprising though it may be, there are some skeptical people out there.

I want to allay their concerns, but being a woman, I can’t personally vouch for these products. Instead, I did the next best thing. I went right to the top. I spoke to Bloodynose, CEO of Spams R Us, Shalampax’s leading spam company and asked him if he could offer any proof that his male enhancement products were effective.

Bloodynose responded, “Absolutely! In fact, I’m not only the CEO of the company, but I’m also a customer. I use our leading male enhancement cream regularly and it never fails to enlarge my penis.

“Of course, as with all medical products, you do have to follow the directions provided on the label. You can’t just squirt the cream on your penis and expect it to work. Instead, you have to rub it in with a repeated back and forth motion.

“One thing that we should probably have mentioned on the product’s packaging, but we didn’t, is that you may secrete chemicals through the pores in your hand that can reduce, although rarely eliminate, the effectiveness of the cream.

“We don’t know the reason for this, but you might find that, ironically, a women’s body chemistry is more favorable for the application of our male enhancement creams than yours is. I’ve noticed this effect myself. I find that my penis reacts much faster and with improved results when a woman applies our penis enlarging product to my penis.”

Bloodynose went on to offer some additional advice to customers. “There are three side effects that I’d like people to be aware of so they won’t be concerned should they occur.

“First, in addition to enlarging your penis, our male enhancement cream usually firms it as well. Don’t worry. This is normal.

“Second, the enlarging and firming effects of the cream are not permanent. You must reapply it using the same rubbing motion to re-enlarge your penis after it reduces to its former size.

“And, finally, if you spend too long applying the cream or you apply it too vigorously you may find that a secretion suddenly ejects from the end of our penis. I can assure customers that this condition is perfectly harmless. In fact, I usually find it to be quite enjoyable.”

Um, OK. Thank you, Bloodynose, for putting your prospective customers’ minds at ease. I’m sure their orders will be flooding in any minute now.

Business male enhancement, penis enhancement, penis enlargement, spam

Spams R Us, Shalampax’s leading spam company, has long been stuffing the email inboxes of hundreds of millions of what it assumes are adoring prospective customers. It sends out billions of offers every month just for male enhancement creams and lotions that firm and enlarge breasts. In fact, those are the company’s biggest—no pun intended—profit makers.

Today, it’s launching a packaging innovation that it thinks will dramatically increase sales and capture new customers. As I’m writing this, Spams R Us’ thousands of hijacked spam bots are busy churning out offers for the Super Boobdick Enhancement Twin-Pack, which is also known as the Boobdick Twin-Pack, for short—definitely no pun intended.

The Boobdick Twin-Pack bundles a supply of Spams R Us’ highest-selling male enhancement cream with a supply of it’s highest-selling bust enlargement and firming lotion, all in a single package.

The company sees two prospective markets for its twin-pack. The first market is comprised of heterosexual couples in which both of the members feel the need for a little anatomical enhancement. The second market consists of people about to undergo a sex change operation and who want to have the best of both worlds on either side of the operation.

The thinking is that prospective customers in these markets will appreciate being able to satisfy both needs with a single, online order, at a slightly lower price than if they ordered the two separately. And they’ll incur only a one shipping and handling charge rather than two.

In addition, letter carriers are always suspicious when they deliver plain brown packages. Delivering one package instead of two will cut in half the probability that letter carriers will guess couples’ or transsexuals’ deficiencies before they have a chance to augment their assets.

This is an exciting announcement from Spams R Us. Keep an eye on your email inbox for the thousands of fabulous Super Boobdick Enhancement Twin-Pack offers that are heading your way. And, when they arrive, don’t delay. This is an unlimited-time offer.

Business enlarge breasts, enlarge busts, firm breasts, firm busts, male enhancement, spam

Bloodynose, CEO of Spams R Us, Shalampax’s leading spam company recently saw an article on the Web suggesting that, all other things being equal, many consumers favor companies that have well-founded green credentials. Upon seeing this, Bloodynose decided that most of his future spam mailings will include strong messages about the very green lifestyle that he lives.

Needless to say, I was skeptical. To the best of my knowledge, Bloodynose has never shown the slightest inclination toward environmentalism.

Bloodynose is no stranger to outright lying when it serves his purpose—in fact, it’s his best and most trusted friend—but he seems genuinely honest this time. However, I also know that he is an expert at looking genuinely honest when he is actually being as deceitful as can be, a talent that he finds very helpful when he’s trying to sell anything. So I challenged him to assuage my doubts about his greenness.

“Would I lie to the hundreds of millions of people who eagerly await the valuable spam that I and my employees send out several times a day?” Bloodynose asked in reply. “Of course not.”

He went on to explain that, “I constantly suffer from severe depression, i.e., I always have the blues, big time. Not only that, but I am simultaneously also one of the world’s great cowards, i.e. I am very yellow. And what do you get when you mix blue and yellow? You get green, that’s what. Ergo, I’m one of the most green people on the planet. Case closed.”

Way to go, Bloodynose. It’s nice to see that you haven’t lost your amazing knack for honest deception. Good luck with that.

Business environment, environmental, green, spam, spams

It’s exciting times at Spams R Us, Inc., Shalampax’s leading spam company. The company expects that sometime today it will send out it’s 680 trillionth spam message.

With the world’s population getting close to 6.8 billion people, that means that, over the course of it’s just eight years in existence, Spams R Us will have sent out an average of more than 1,000 spam emails to every man, woman and child on the planet. Clearly, because not everyone in the world has an email address and because a few of the email addresses that do exist have not yet been harvested by Spams R Us, some people have received thousands, if not tens of thousands of Spams R Us’ messages.

Such a prodigious output from just one of Shalampax’s spam companies is nothing short of amazing. And they’ve done it all at no cost by using hijacked computers around the world that have been turned into spambots. Congratulations to the guys and gals at Spams R Us for reaching this monumental milestone!

To celebrate the company’s tremendous spam profits, Bloodynose, CEO of Spams R Us, will be serving milk and cookies to all who attend the party at his apartment. He will be charging a nominal fee for the refreshments. At the party, Bloodynose will also be selling—at low, low, low prices—penis-enlarging and breast-firming creams, lotions and potions.

Business breast firming, penis enlargement, spam