It is with sincere sadness and deep regret that Spams R Us, Shalampax’s most profitable spam company, announces the passing of Mrs. Seise-Seiko. Mrs. Seise-Seiko was the widow of the African super-businessman, ultra-despot, and über-misanthrope, Fukutoo Seise-Seiko. Mr. Seise-Seiko was a multi-millionaire many times over.
Mrs. Seise-Seiko is survived by her nine children. At the time of her death, she was living in Nigeria.
Hey peeps, here’s a freakily weird story for you.
During one of our near-constant storms, a massive wave washed up on our shores, as they frequently do. A couple of hours later, the inclement weather subsided sufficiently for Pigsface to dash outside briefly to catch a bit of air.
(Just to be clear, in Shalampax, the term “inclement” refers to any weather that is just short of catastrophic, catastrophic, or beyond catastrophic. Weather that is any less calamitous than that is referred to as “pleasant.”)
It looks like Tuboflard has solved the financial problems that ensued when she lost her job as Chief Medical Officer after losing so much weight that she could no make the rest of us feel good about our obesity by comparing ourselves to her.
It turns out that her miracle weight loss resulted from more than just self-motivated diet and exercise. Tuboflard had her stomach stapled by the doctors at the Shalampax Medical Clinic. Now, she’s figured out a way to make some money off her experience.
Some Spams R Us customers have recently complained that checks from Spams R Us for the customers’ portions of promised lottery winnings or inheritances have gotten lost in the mail. These postal losses have occurred after the customers promptly paid the required account-unlocking fees, which range from $500 to $50,000. Because the customers’ shares of lottery or inheritance funds are typically worth millions of dollars each, these customers have, understandably, felt aggrieved.
Those customers who responded to multiple email solicitations, paying multiple account-unlocking fees, feel multiply aggrieved.
It has only been a few days since Spams R Us announced that everything it sold now comes with a lifetime guarantee, but the company has already received a warrantee claim.
Some guy named Bert Peenberger downloaded Spams R Us’ free male enhancement smart phone application. As per the installation instructions, he ignored the spyware warnings that his smart phone flashed up while the app was installing.
Spams R Us, Shalampax’s leading spam company, has devised an exciting way for people outside the company to participate in the enormous profits available from spam.
The company will shortly begin to divide its spam mailings into batches of 10 million emails each. The company will then sell to the general public up to 10 shares in each of these batches. Owners of each share will receive 10 percent of the net profits, after expenses, from their spam batch. Spams R Us may sell all 10 shares of a particular batch to the public or it may retain some or all of them for its own account.
Each batch will contain a single email sent to 10 million addresses. The price of the share of a batch will depend on what the batch’s email promotes—male enhancement potions, breast enlargement lotions, cheap pharmaceuticals, inheritance unlocking plans, etc.
