Shalampax’s spam companies are reporting that holiday sales have been exceptionally high this year. As a result, in the new year the world will be filled with millions of women with larger, firmer breasts and millions of men with longer, thicker penises; and erectile dysfunction should be a thing of the past for many of the men who suffer from it now.
Our spam companies are at a loss to explain why holiday sales were so strong this year. However, they think that a great many people likely intend to pay off their holiday-induced debts with the millions of dollars that they foresee receiving from the unexpected inheritances they got from people they don’t know or from their winnings from lotteries for which they didn’t buy tickets. This, too, has added to our spam companies’ holiday profits.
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I sometimes get emails from men outside of Shalampax who question whether the male enhancement products offered by our fine spam companies do, indeed, work. These men don’t want to give their credit card information to our spam companies unless they can be certain that the products will, in fact, increase the size of their penises.
I’m shocked and appalled right down to the very core of my being that anyone would question the integrity of our spam companies, but there you have it. Surprising though it may be, there are some skeptical people out there.
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Spams R Us, Shalampax’s leading spam company, has long been stuffing the email inboxes of hundreds of millions of what it assumes are adoring prospective customers. It sends out billions of offers every month just for male enhancement creams and lotions that firm and enlarge breasts. In fact, those are the company’s biggest—no pun intended—profit makers.
Today, it’s launching a packaging innovation that it thinks will dramatically increase sales and capture new customers. As I’m writing this, Spams R Us’ thousands of hijacked spam bots are busy churning out offers for the Super Boobdick Enhancement Twin-Pack, which is also known as the Boobdick Twin-Pack, for short—definitely no pun intended.
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Bloodynose, CEO of Spams R Us, Shalampax’s leading spam company recently saw an article on the Web suggesting that, all other things being equal, many consumers favor companies that have well-founded green credentials. Upon seeing this, Bloodynose decided that most of his future spam mailings will include strong messages about the very green lifestyle that he lives.
Needless to say, I was skeptical. To the best of my knowledge, Bloodynose has never shown the slightest inclination toward environmentalism.
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It’s exciting times at Spams R Us, Inc., Shalampax’s leading spam company. The company expects that sometime today it will send out it’s 680 trillionth spam message.
With the world’s population getting close to 6.8 billion people, that means that, over the course of it’s just eight years in existence, Spams R Us will have sent out an average of more than 1,000 spam emails to every man, woman and child on the planet. Clearly, because not everyone in the world has an email address and because a few of the email addresses that do exist have not yet been harvested by Spams R Us, some people have received thousands, if not tens of thousands of Spams R Us’ messages.
Such a prodigious output from just one of Shalampax’s spam companies is nothing short of amazing. And they’ve done it all at no cost by using hijacked computers around the world that have been turned into spambots. Congratulations to the guys and gals at Spams R Us for reaching this monumental milestone!
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Four of Shalampax’s spam companies have begun to invoke the name of Joel Klebanoff as a “celebrity” endorsement for their male enhancement products. They are doing so because, as of June 18, 2009, Google listed him as number one for “world’s thickest penis” and number five for “world’s longest penis”.
Klebanoff was not available for comment because I couldn’t be bothered to try to get in touch with him. In addition, I’ve been told that he’s a total jerk and nobody in his or her right mind would want to converse with him. What’s more, considering his claim to fame, he’s almost certainly too busy jerking off to take time to talk to me.
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