Peeps, if you’ve been reading Shalampax Speaks for some time, you’ve likely been wondering what happened to Openfly. To be perfectly honest, so have I. For about four months now, neither she nor Doctor Don have responded to any of my many emails.
I was beginning to think that the ship they were on had sunk with all hands—not to mention all other body parts—lost. But no, Openfly is very much alive and she’s finally gotten back in touch with me.
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Hi peeps! Good news; sort of. Dr. Donald Rivers has received the second analysis of Openfly’s DNA. It seems to be accurate this time—or, at least, that’s what Dr. Don tells me.
Unfortunately, the results are inconclusive. This makes me a little suspicious because inconclusive results mean that Dr. Don gets what he wants. He gets to attempt to have a child with Openfly, with the hope of determining if Dr. Don and Openfly are of the same species. Presumably, that species would be Homo sapiens.
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If you’ve been following my reportage on Openfly and Dr. Don, you’ll know that Dr. Don has proposed an experiment that might verify that Openfly and, presumably, the rest of us Shalampaxians as well, are Homo sapiens. Because scientists usually use the ability and willingness to interbreed as the basis for their definition of the boundary between species, Dr. Don wants to try to impregnate Openfly and have her carry their baby to full term. If successful, that would prove that Openfly is Homo sapiens.
Just moments ago, Openfly told Dr. Don, “maybe.”
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Peeps, I don’t know if you’re going to find what I’m about to tell you to be morally reprehensible (and other fun stuff like that), exceptionally funny, mildly amusing, or none of the above. You see, there’s more news to tell in the ongoing Openfly story.
Like the rest of us, Dr. Don Rivers is anxiously awaiting the results of the second attempt to analyze Openfly’s DNA. However, he recently mentioned to me that, even when he does get accurate results, that won’t necessarily definitively answer the question as to whether Shalampaxians are Homo sapiens.
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Peeps, I know you’re as anxious to find out about Openfly’s DNA results as I am. It will be nice to finally move this saga forward. Unfortunately, we’ll have to wait a little longer.
Dr. Don tells me that he expects the results in a matter of days. However, he refuses to speculate as to whether that number of days contains one, two or three digits.
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