Shalampax Speaks

This notice is for Shalampaxians only. The rest of you can feel free to stop reading and make something of your lives instead.

I have good news and I have bad news. We finally got a long enough break in the weather to unload the supply ship that has been waiting at sea for more than a month.

The good news is that this means that we’ve been able to replenish our depleted toilet paper inventory. That’s very timely as we had almost run out of the copies of the Shalampax Criminal Code that we’ve been using as a substitute for toilet paper.

The bad news is that the Shalampax Clothing Store had placed a large order for underwear because it is now out-of-stock of that item. Unfortunately, the order got screwed up and, instead of normal underwear, the distributor sent adult diapers.

This could be critical as most of us in Shalampax don’t buy new underwear until our old pairs are worn down to their last few threads. If you were getting ready to invest in some new underwear you’re going to be out of luck. It will probably take a few months to get a new supply in, and that’s only if the weather breaks when the supply ship arrives. Otherwise, you’ll have to add as much as a few months to that estimate.

If you’re one of those people whose underwear is about to turn to dust, you have two options as far as I can see. One option is to not wear underwear at all. This is considered to be sexy, but it’s not likely to make up for an inherent total lack of sex appeal, which is an affliction that is the bane of most Shalampaxians’ existences.

The other option is to stock up on adult diapers and use them instead.

I wouldn’t be too quick to write off this option if I were you. It has definite advantages. For example, say you’re watching your favorite TV program and you feel a sudden need to take a crap or pee. No problem. You’re wearing diapers. Watch and go without ever leaving your couch.

Hell, if you crap, you don’t even need to stop eating pork rinds to wipe your ass afterward. Just change your diaper when the program ends.

Enjoy!

There is something of a crisis shaping up in here Shalampax. We are running out of toilet paper. It would seem that Shalampaxians have recently been even crappier than usual. As a result, our shopkeeper was caught unawares by this situation.

A supply ship sitting about 150 kilometers off our shore is carrying, among other provisions, a large shipment of toilet paper. The ship’s captain is waiting for the weather to clear sufficiently for us to assemble one of our temporary docks. Our climate being what it is, that might be anywhere from a few days up to a few months from now.

Normally, we would risk building the dock in less than perfect weather. Unfortunately, we are also running short of the supplies required to build it. We only have enough to assemble one.

The supply ship is also carrying dock-building materials, but because our dock is normally destroyed by high winds within hours or, at most, days of it being built, we can’t take a chance with this one. If it’s destroyed before we have an opportunity to offload the supply ship we won’t get another chance.

Consequently, rather than taking undue risks, it’s been decided that the dock won’t be assembled until the winds are as close to calm as they ever get around here and no storm clouds are visible even with our most powerful telescopes. As we are all aware, those conditions are likely not imminent.

Fortunately, we have adequate food supplies in our freezers to last for up to five months.

In fact, our food stocks are slightly higher than would typically be the case. Despite regretting it at the time, we are now thankful that some anthropologists visited us a few weeks back. We still have leftovers from their visit. Our freezers contain three or four anthropologists’ rumps and a few legs. I’m told those are the tastiest parts.

We also have a large inventory of dried fruits. However, until we get more toilet paper, Shalampaxians are advised to go easy on the prunes.

While food is not a problem, the toilet paper supply is reaching critical levels. As an emergency measure, the government has decided to distribute copies of the Shalampax Criminal Code to be used as a substitute for toilet paper. This will allow Shalampaxians to literally do to the criminal code what they usually do to it only figuratively.