Shalampax Speaks

As regular readers know well, we Shalampaxians are a tad xenophobic. While the feeling among Shalampaxians is generally, “loaf and let live,” we have a nasty habit of eating any outsiders who somehow manage to land on our island.

We are not the only people who have ever practiced cannibalism. However, I’ve done some research and found that, due to the exceptionally small size of our island, there are more people per square foot here who have at one time or another practiced cannibalism than there have been anywhere else on earth at any time in the history of the planet.

This factoid astounded me. Proud of our island nation’s uniqueness, I applied to have our cannibalistic achievement listed in the Guinness World Records.

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As Shalampaxians and regular readers know, Shalampaxians are, to say the least, somewhat xenophobic. This has reached the point where we long ago acquired the habit of eating foreigners who manage to venture onto our shores and overstay their welcome.

People who come here other than to do some construction work for us are considered to have overstayed their welcome the instant they arrive. We allow construction workers onto our island because we are totally useless at building anything ourselves.

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This message is directed at Shalampaxians. All others should immediately surf to another Web site. That means, now!

A team of anthropologists from the University of Lower Pontypool have asked for permission to visit Shalampax. They feel that, from what little they know about it, our culture is somewhat bizarre. Of course, that’s nonsense. It’s staggeringly bizarre.

We followed the standard Shalampax policy concerning responses to such requests from the outside world. First, we pretended that no one was home.

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