Republic of Shalampax
An Inane Island in an Insane World
 

Cherism

In 1882, Friedrich Nietzsche published a book in which he wrote "God is dead." As we know, this is not true. God is not dead, but, by a divine coincidence, at the precise moment when Nietzsche wrote those words, God put His head down for a 15 minute nap. He'd been working for millennia overseeing the world and, in particular, spying on us humans. He needed the rest. Because each God minute is equivalent to 750,000 human minutes, His nap will last 11.25 million earth minutes, which is 7,812.5 years. Thus, He is still asleep and would appreciate it if we keep the noise down.

Before stretching out, God appointed Cherie Gateaux, a slender, but bosomy eighteen-year-old Parisian blond beauty whom He had the hots for, to look after things while He was asleep. (Rumor has it that God wanted to marry Cherie, but he realized that, because of the immense difference in age and mortality and despite His being omnipotent and hung like a horse, He probably wouldn't get to first base with her.) Cherie's offspring and their offspring and their offspring and so on for the next 7,812.5 years were to take up her duties after Cherie's death.

At his age, God had become somewhat absent-minded. He wrote a long note anointing Cherie and explaining her duties. He placed the note under some papers in Cherie's apartment where no one else would find it before Cherie did. God had intended to speak onto Cherie to tell her where to find the note, but some evilness on Earth distracted him and he forgot to talk to her before he fell asleep.

Cherie never found the note. Her duties and the duties of her descendants have gone unfilled all this time.

We know about God's anointment of Cherie because His note was discovered under a floorboard by a construction worker who was renovating a former strip joint, Heavenly Bodies, as part of the late 1990s' cleanup of New York's 42nd Street.

How God's note came to be there — so far from its place of origin, Paris — is not known for certain. However, it is known that Cerise LaTarte, one of the strippers who worked at Heavenly Bodies in the early 1990s was, like Cherie, very well endowed. Cherist (as Cherie devotees are called) scholars contend that this is evidence of a genetic link to Cherie. Others contend that it is evidence of a heavy use of silicone. Religious scholars also point out that the names "Cerise" and "LaTarte" have clear French overtones and, despite "Cerise LaTarte" being an obvious stage name, this suggests that Cerise has a French heritage and, therefore, may be a descendant of Cherie. The similarity between "Cherie" and "Cerise" is another obvious clue.

As further evidence of her divine inheritance, Cerise's act involved jumping naked out of a very large cherry cheesecake that customers were invited to eat afterwards. As is widely known, cherry cheesecake was Cherie Gateaux's favorite dessert. Need we say more?

Unfortunately, Cerise disappeared without a trace when Heavenly Bodies closed. Devoted Cherists, who are convinced of Cerise's divine appointment, are sparing no expense in their search for her. 

Worship

Because God is asleep and is, therefore, unaware of our current religious practices, all normal church services are being held in abeyance until He awakes in more than 7,600 years. The only thing that matters now is our devotion to Cherie's descendant. But first we have to find her.

Cerise's last known stripping gig was more than 15 years ago, so she might be a little old for that now. Nonetheless, she was known to work hard at keeping herself in shape, so a stripping job is not beyond the realm of possibility and stripping is our only lead. Consequently, church canon requires that Cherists spend all of their time visiting strip clubs around the world to search for Cerise. It's a dirty job, but somebody has to do it.
 

Afterlife

Ascension to an afterlife is possible while God is awake, but those of us who die while he's asleep are out of luck. Then again, the good news is that those of us who have lived lives that warrant a trip to hell have caught a lucky break.

Commandments


Dietary Laws

Cherie Gateaux was a huge fan of cherry cheesecake, so we eat a lot of it, but other than that there are no dietary laws.

Holidays

Cherism doesn't have any holidays of its own so, in order to free up more time to visit strip clubs, it respects the holidays of all nations and religions worldwide.

Tithing

Traveling to all of the world's strip joints, paying the cover charges and buying the mandatory drinks is an expensive undertaking. Any Cherists who must occasionally work to earn a living and who, therefore, cannot devote all of their time to prowling strip clubs are expected to send all of their excess cash to the Cherist church, where it will be distributed to people who have more time to spend searching for Cerise. We are determined to find her and inform her of her God-given, world-saving duties and obligations.

Cults Religions




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