Republic of Shalampax
An Inane Island in an Insane World
 

The Story of Creation

Paahlmists believe that, to initiate human life, Paahlm, our God, created one male human embryo and one female human embryo and implanted each in its own exceptionally large coconut, both of which grew on a single coconut palm tree on the island that we now call Shalampax. When the embryo-embracing coconuts fell to the ground simultaneously (Paahlm had them fall simultaneously so we wouldn't adopt any sexist beliefs, not that that stopped us ­ Paahlm is only God after all, not infallible) they burst open, exposing the then full-term babies, bruised but not battered from the fall.

The bump on the ground, like a sharp, cruel slap on the behind, encouraged the new babies to take their first breath and cry long and furiously like, well, like the babies they were. Had any large creatures been around at the time their screeching and hollering would have annoyed them beyond bearing, thereby limiting humanity to a single generation. Thus it's a good thing for us that Paahlm didn't particularly like other animals at the time. He's learned to, if not appreciate, tolerate them more since. Ironically, he's rather pissed off at us now over all of this war and other inhumanity crap.

With Paahlm's help, the milk and meat of the coconuts miraculously sustained these two original Shalampaxians1, Fred and Ethel, until they were old enough to fend for themselves2. According to Paahlmist teachings, all Shalampaxians (and possibly all humans the world over, but no one is willing to commit to going that far) are decedents of Fred and Ethel. Paahlmists gloss over the incest that would have been necessary to move humans beyond the Fred and Ethel stage.

Because all humanity started from just two coconuts, the number two has a special meaning in the Paahlm religion. Hence, Paahlmists believe that it is strictly forbidden to work during any day of the month or any hour of the day that has a two in it. (See holidays.)

Paahlmist teachings on the creation of the universe are Zen-like. We believe that "the universe is because it is, so why the hell would you want to waste one freaking second of your precious time trying to figu re out how it came to be." Obviously, if this philosophy does have any Zen roots, they manifest themselves in the first part. The second part sounds more like it was derived from the creed of someone who takes the book of Genesis seriously.



1 Some Paahlmist scholars have hypothesized that Paahlm created three, rather than two, original individuals of three different sexes, but one did not survive. However, because these scholars could not explain what happened to the third sex, what it's higher purpose was, how it could have had any fun had it survived (which could explain it's demise, namely through suicide), or why Paahlm would create something just to have it perish without a trace and because nobody was the least bit interested in spending any time trying to puzzle out the answers, this theory has been rejected by most Paahlmists, scholars and non-scholars alike.

2 True to their reputations as the father and mother of all Shalampaxians, Fred and Ethel tried to finagle Paahlm into providing for them for their entire lives rather than just until they were able to fend for themselves. Paahlm saw through their schemes and said, "Enough is enough. I've got better things to do. Now, find your own damn food, you lazy ingrates." He left them to their own defenses from that point on, feeling not one iota of guilt for having done so.


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Shalampax and Shalampaxian are trademarks of Klebanoff Associates, Inc.