The Story of Creation
Paahlmists believe that, to initiate human life, Paahlm, our God, created
one male human embryo and one female human embryo and implanted each in
its own exceptionally large coconut, both of which grew on a single coconut
palm tree on the island that we now call Shalampax. When the embryo-embracing
coconuts fell to the ground simultaneously (Paahlm had them fall simultaneously
so we wouldn't adopt any sexist beliefs, not that that stopped us
Paahlm is only God after all, not infallible) they burst open, exposing
the then full-term babies, bruised but not battered from the fall.
The bump on the ground, like a sharp, cruel slap on the behind, encouraged
the new babies to take their first breath and cry long and furiously like,
well, like the babies they were. Had any large creatures been around at
the time their screeching and hollering would have annoyed them beyond
bearing, thereby limiting humanity to a single generation. Thus it's a
good thing for us that Paahlm didn't particularly like other animals at
the time. He's learned to, if not appreciate, tolerate them more since.
Ironically, he's rather pissed off at us now over all of this war and other
With Paahlm's help, the milk and meat of the coconuts miraculously sustained these two original Shalampaxians1, Fred and Ethel, until they were old enough to fend for themselves2. According to Paahlmist teachings, all Shalampaxians (and possibly all humans the world over, but no one is willing to commit to going that far) are decedents of Fred and Ethel. Paahlmists gloss over the incest that would have been necessary to move humans beyond the Fred and Ethel stage.
Because all humanity started from just two coconuts, the number two has a special meaning in the Paahlm religion. Hence, Paahlmists believe that it is strictly forbidden to work during any day of the month or any hour of the day that has a two in it. (See holidays.)
Paahlmist teachings on the creation of the universe are Zen-like. We believe
that "the universe is because it is, so why the hell would you want
to waste one freaking second of your precious time trying to figu re out
how it came to be." Obviously, if this philosophy does have any Zen roots, they manifest themselves in the first part. The second
part sounds more like it was derived from the creed of someone who takes
the book of Genesis seriously.
© Copyright Klebanoff Associates, Inc. and Joel Klebanoff, 2007-2012. All rights reserved.
Shalampax and Shalampaxian are trademarks of Klebanoff Associates, Inc.