Dafernyxism
Dafernyx, zirnithed be he, was born on the planet Ynerxtrzu, a name
that cannot be pronounced with the earthly human tongue and vocal
cords. Other Ynerxzunians consider this to be an odd happenstance
because, for his eighth grade science project, Dafernyx created the
humans of earth. Of course, this included creating their non-Ynerxtrzu-pronouncing tongues and
vocal cords, which were just part of the whole human package. Dafernyx
also created all of Earth's web-footed animals, but most people are
less interested in that fact. Nobody has been able to figure out who
placed the non-human, non-web-footed animals on Earth, but several
Ynerxtrunians have tossed around the theory of evolution as a possible
answer.
Because of his inability to fashion a human tongue capable of pronouncing
Ynerxtrzu, Dafernyx was given a failing grade. This was a serious a blow
to his self-esteem. Out of revenge against his teacher, Dafernyx intentionally
broke Ynerxtrzu's prime directive: Never get involved with strangers after
you've created them.
Now a six-million-year-old (in earth years) adult, Dafernyx lives under
an invisibility field on an often overlooked plot of land on Mars, from
where he regularly visits earth to teach the descendents of his creations
about their maker and to insist on their obedience … or else. This has
been difficult for him because he made the mistake of creating humans in
his image. Thus, they are reluctant to view him as being as immensely powerful
as he claims to be, but his disciples know it to be true.
Worship
Dafernyx doesn't ask for much from us; only that we recognize his omnipotence
through the occasional generous gesture, buy his exclusive line of clothing
and send him every penny that we have left over after shelling out for
the clothes and gifts. We steal our food and live on the street so we have more cash
to send Dafernyx.
Afterlife
Dafernyx has given humans a set amount of time to convert to the worship
of him or die, but he is not telling us how long. At some point, he won't
say when, other than that it will be on a Friday evening because he wants
to really piss off non-believers by destroying their weekend, he's going
to gather up all of his disciples, transport them to Mars, and then flood
the Earth's atmosphere with a combination of nitrous oxide and marijuana
smoke. Those left-behinds who don't laugh themselves to death will munch
their way to oblivion.
After the atmosphere has cleared and the unaffected carrion-consuming animals
have devoured the left-behinds' bodies, Dafernyx will return his disciples
to Earth, where they will live in good health, peace, harmony, prosperity
and, after he grants them immortality, eternal worship of him.
Those of us who have already converted to Dafernyxism are encouraging him
to do this sooner rather than later because his powers do not extend to
being able to raise the dead.
Commandments
- Honor thy socks and thy shoes; suffer not athlete's foot.
- Thou shalt not consume rice pudding in His presence unless you share it
with Him generously.
- Thou shalt not covet Dafernyx's rice pudding.
- Thou shalt not point at Dafernyx and laugh.
- Thou shalt not point at Mars and laugh.
- Thou shalt not make fun of Dafernyx's small penis. He did, after all, create the
human penis in its image.
- Thou shalt not worship raven ménages.
Dietary Laws
Dafernyx has not decreed any dietary laws, but he really likes rice pudding
and insists that we always have a lot of it around whenever he graces us with his presence.
Holidays
We celebrate Dafernyx's birthday and the anniversaries of his mother's
hysterectomy and his father's hernia operation, which occurred on December
18, March 12 and April 22, respectively. Unfortunately, Ynerxtrzu revolves
around its sun once every 298.35 earth days, which makes it very difficult
to reconcile the Ynerxtrzu calendar with the various earth calendars.
Tithing
Tithing, which means contributing one-tenth of your salary, is a misnomer in our
cult religion. Tithing in its strictest sense would make Dafernyx very, very, very angry. You wouldn't
get to go to Mars to wait out the end days if you limited yourself to tithing.
Dafernyx expects you to send him every cent you've got, whenever you get
it. Furthermore, he wouldn't object if, with or without their permission,
you sent him the contents of your spouse's, your neighbors', your siblings'
and anyone else's wallets as well. (Whenever Dafernyx reads the book or watches
the movie
Oliver Twist or he sees the musical
Oliver! he always cheers for Fagin.)
Dafernyx Sightings
© Copyright Klebanoff Associates, Inc. and Joel Klebanoff, 2007-2008. All rights reserved.
Shalampax and Shalampaxian are trademarks of Klebanoff Associates, Inc.
