Republic of Shalampax
An Inane Island in an Insane World
 

Dafernyxism

Dafernyx, zirnithed be he, was born on the planet Ynerxtrzu, a name that cannot be pronounced with the earthly human tongue and vocal cords. Other Ynerxzunians consider this to be an odd happenstance because, for his eighth grade science project, Dafernyx created the humans of Earth. Of course, this included creating their non-Ynerxtrzu-pronouncing tongues and vocal cords, which were just part of the whole human package. Dafernyx also created all of Earth's web-footed animals, but most people are less interested in that fact. Nobody has been able to figure out who placed the non-human, non-web-footed animals on Earth, but several Ynerxtrunians have tossed around the theory of evolution as a possible answer.

Because of his inability to fashion a human tongue capable of pronouncing Ynerxtrzu, Dafernyx was given a failing grade. This was a serious a blow to his self-esteem. Out of revenge against his teacher, Dafernyx intentionally broke Ynerxtrzu's prime directive: Never get involved with strangers after you've created them.

Now a six-million-year-old (in Earth years) adult, Dafernyx lives under an invisibility field on an often overlooked plot of land on Mars, from where he regularly visits Earth to teach the descendents of his creations about their maker and to insist on their obedience … or else. This has been difficult for him because he made the mistake of creating humans in his image. Thus, they are reluctant to view him as being as immensely powerful as he claims to be, but his disciples know it to be true.

Worship

Dafernyx doesn't ask for much from us; only that we recognize his omnipotence through the occasional generous gesture, buy his exclusive line of clothing and send him every penny that we have left over after shelling out for the clothes and gifts. We steal our food and live on the street so we have more cash to send Dafernyx.

Afterlife

Dafernyx has given humans a set amount of time to convert to the worship of him or die, but he is not telling us how long. At some point, he won't say when, other than that it will be on a Friday evening because he wants to really piss off non-believers by destroying their weekend, he's going to gather up all of his disciples, transport them to Mars, and then flood the Earth's atmosphere with a combination of nitrous oxide and marijuana smoke. Those left-behinds who don't laugh themselves to death will munch their way to oblivion.

After the atmosphere has cleared and the unaffected carrion-consuming animals have devoured the left-behinds' bodies, Dafernyx will return his disciples to Earth, where they will live in good health, peace, harmony, prosperity and, after he grants them immortality, eternal worship of him.

Those of us who have already converted to Dafernyxism are encouraging him to do this sooner rather than later because his powers do not extend to being able to raise the dead.

Commandments

Dietary Laws

Dafernyx has not decreed any dietary laws, but he really likes rice pudding and insists that we always have a lot of it around whenever he graces us with his presence.

Holidays

We celebrate Dafernyx's birthday and the anniversaries of his mother's hysterectomy and his father's hernia operation, which occurred on December 18, March 12 and April 22, respectively. Unfortunately, Ynerxtrzu revolves around its sun once every 298.35 Earth days, which makes it very difficult to reconcile the Ynerxtrzu calendar with the various Earth calendars.

Tithing

Tithing, which means contributing one-tenth of your salary, is a misnomer in our cult religion. Tithing in its strictest sense would make Dafernyx very, very, very angry. You wouldn't get to go to Mars to wait out the end days if you limited yourself to tithing. Dafernyx expects you to send him every cent you've got, whenever you get it. Furthermore, he wouldn't object if, with or without their permission, you sent him the contents of your spouse's, your neighbors', your siblings' and anyone else's wallets as well. (Whenever Dafernyx reads the book or watches the movie Oliver Twist or he sees the musical Oliver! he always cheers for Fagin.)

Dafernyx Sightings

Cults Religions




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Shalampax and Shalampaxian are trademarks of Klebanoff Associates, Inc.