Fredianity

The Old Testament is the literal truth as far as it goes, but, due to His advanced age, in 1952 God grew quite sluggish and decided to bear a Son to assume some of his duties. That year, Fred, His son and representative on Earth, was born as a result of an immaculate conception. We know this to be true because his mother, Marissa Cortsan, swore to her husband, Jerrad Sheppard, that Jerrad was her first non-deity lover. Despite Marissa and Jerrad having, on Jerrad's insistence, abstained from premarital sex, Fred was a full-term baby born seven months after Marissa's marriage to Fred. The virgin Marissa is revered by Fredians as the mother of Fred. Jerrad is viewed as just another poor schmuck.

There are some heathen who question Fred's divinity. They argue that Fred's was not a virgin birth and Fred is not the Son of God. Instead, they contend that Marissa was just a slut who lied to save her marriage. We know this to be untrue because Fred Himself, blessed be He, spoke onto us and said, "I am either the Son of God or a poached egg." Many disciples who have bitten Fred swear that He is not a poached egg and, therefore, must be the true Son of God.

Early Fredians considered naming their religion Cortsanity because Fred took Cortsan, his mother's family name, as his last name. Fred's reasoning was that God, rather than Jarred, was His actual Father. God doesn't have a last name, but "Fred" is too common a name to stand on its own, so Fred had little choice but to go with Cortsan. Nonetheless, the wise men and women who became Fred's first disciples were embarrassed by Marissa's last name as it was too close to "courtesan," an epithet that many heathen were already hurling at Marissa, hence the adoption of "Fredianity" as the religion's name.

Today, Fred travels the world (on a well-appointed private jet to maximize his efficiency by avoiding check-in and security delays at airports) performing miracles and bestowing His Father's blessings on His followers. His greatest and most often repeated miracle is to convince people who would otherwise never consider doing so to pick up the check in obscenely expensive restaurants.

Another of Fred's specialties is delivering inner peace to wealthy people by convincing them to take vows of poverty. In addition, in return for covering all of the costs of performing the phenomenon — an amount that, through yet another miracle is always exactly equal to their former wealth — He will also demonstrate to these ex-rich people how he can squeeze an elephant through the eye of an exceptionally large needle. He does not, however, promise formerly rich people entry into heaven as He is currently not on speaking terms with His Father, the keeper of heaven's gate.

Being of corporeal matter, Fred will eventually grow old and die. When he does, he will rise to heaven, where he will serve at his Father's side as an unpaid apprentice. He'll complain loudly about his slave status, but complaining won't get Him far with God, even if God is His father.

Worship

Fred is not vain, so He doesn't care if his followers offer him any prayers. Fred's Father, on the other hand, expects considerable deference and submission, but Fred is currently pissed off at His Father so, as far as Fred is concerned, just enjoy yourself and don't worry about the formalities of worship.

Afterlife

Fred doesn't know it, and God is keeping the knowledge from Fred to avoid any conflicts of interest, but, despite their differences, God has decided that those who buy an audience with Fred will find an honored place in heaven upon their passing. There is no hell, but people who don't show proper respect to Fred in this way (these people are commonly known as evil doers) will spend the rest of eternity, if not longer, among a crowd of telemarketers and insurance salespeople. The evil doers will wish there was a hell so they could burn there instead.

Commandments

Honor thy shoes and thy socks lest thou damage thy feet.
Thou shalt neither speaketh nor writeth the word "which." Fredian religious scholars are divided about this one. Exodus 22:18 says "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." In general, spelling skills were atrocious when Exodus was written. Therefore, just to be safe, avoid the word "which," even in non-defining clauses.
Render onto Caesar that which is Caesar's. Render onto Cynthia that which is Cynthia's. Render onto George that which is George's. Render onto Bertha that which is Bertha's. Render onto Harry that which is Harry's. Render on to Sharon that which is Sharon's. Render onto … Well, you get the point. (Don't worry about rendering onto God. If God is really as powerful as He or She claims to be, God can take care of Himself or Herself.)
Thou shalt not commit adultery. However, because he is the son of God, sex with Fred doesn't count regardless of your marital status.
Thou shalt not bet against a straight flush.
Thou shalt not steal home unless you look toward the mound and catch the pitcher in the midst of an intense nose pick.

Dietary Laws

Despite accepting the old testament as the basis of our religion, we do not adhere to the prohibition against eating shellfish because lobsters and shrimps are far too tasty to pass up. The occasional milkshake with a burger is OK too, but don't overdo the mixing of milk and meat thing. There's only so much tolerance that God and Fred are willing to show in this regard.

Holidays

Because Fred is Jewish, the sabbath runs from sundown on Friday until sundown on Saturday. It is forbidden to work on the Sabbath unless Fred is around and he asks you to do something for him.

The anniversary of Fred's birth, March 3, is a sacred holiday as is the anniversary of his circumcision, March 11. The anniversary of his first sexual encounter will also be a holiday, but he is still waiting for that. Much to Fred's surprise and disappointment, His addendum to His Father's fourth commandment hasn't gotten him any action.

Tithing

Fredianity is not like other religions. We don't ask for donations from parishioners. On the contrary, Fred considers preachers who continually beg for cash to be unseemly money grubbers who are almost certainly running scams.

Nonetheless, Fred has needs. He wishes to visit with all His disciples throughout the world to bestow His Father's blessings upon them. Being constrained by His physical body and by restrictions on his travel on commercial airlines, He must travel by private jet. Jets are expensive and so is the fuel that powers them. What's more, in order to visit even more people than he already does, he needs to buy a faster jet – preferably something supersonic. Furthermore, a couple of spare, fully equipped jets must follow him around in case one of the jets needs to be taken out of service for maintenance.

In addition, Fred needs food to feed his earthly body and a place to lie his corporeal head at night. You wouldn't expect him to eat gruel and stay in fleabag hotels, would you? All in – amortized jet costs, fuel, and luxury hotels and restaurants – costs an average of $124,999.95 per visit. He'll pick up his own clothing expenses because that's just the kind of deity's Son He is.

The cost of His visits must be covered in advance by the parishioners he will visit. He can't promise how soon He will visit after you make your payment, but He does promise to get around to personally bestowing His Father's blessings upon you sometime; if not in this lifetime, then in heaven.

~~Cults~~ Religions

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