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Republic of Shalampax An Inane Island in an Insane World |
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Republic of Shalampax An Inane Island in an Insane World |
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Hurting yourself and hurting others are, to be sure, sins that could garner some punishment, but if you act directly against the Church of Infinitiaty you know you're going to be in for one hell of a lot of hurtin' when the relevant God finds out. And they always find out, don't they? How could they not, being omniscient and all? So, if you're going to buy only one dispensation, make it a dispensation for one of your many inevitable sins against the church.
In the previous paragraph and the dispensations below, "church" is meant as a generic term to represent the Church of Infinitiaty itself or the place of worship of a particular God, regardless of whether the places of worship for that God are generally referred to as churches, synagogues, temples, mosques, bordellos or whatever.
For a definition of the contents of the following table's columns, please see the Infinitiaty Dispensations main page. There, you will also find dispensation package deals that cover dispensation for bundles of sins and monthly dispensation subscriptions that can be used for multiple sins across sin categories.
The prices below are quoted per occurrence of the listed sin.
| Sin | Sin Level | God# | Dispensation Price |
| Taking the name of any one of God numbers 1 through 999,999 in vain. | 5 | 999999 | $675.87 |
| Taking the name of any one of God numbers 1,000,000 through 999,999,999 in vain. | 5 | 99999999999999 | $24,456.32 |
| Taking the name of any God with a number of 1,000,000,000 or higher in vain. | 5 | ∞ | You haven't got enough. |
| Inscribing a Lord's name on a weather vane. | 1 | 5387 | $42.42 |
| Not giving the church all of the money you can reasonably give. | 5 | 87987987789799 | $19,387.01 |
| Not giving the church all of the money you can reasonably and unreasonably give. | 4 | 87987987789799 | $17.987.34 |
| Missing a church service in the church of a God that commands that there be services. | 3 | 3678 | $61.76 |
| Falling asleep during a church service. | 3 | 3678 | $61.76 |
| Not laughing at a joke that one of the Gods has placed in the scriptures. | 4 | 8716768 | $934.76 |
| Thinking that a serious piece of scripture is a joke. | 2 | 8716768 | $421.12 |
| Double booking yourself in the different Gods' churches. | 2 | 38791 | $74.88 |
| Not kneeling in the presence of a God who expects people to kneel in front of Him or Her. | 3 | 21878 | $76.55 |
| Kneeling in the presence of a God who thinks it's an insult to Creation for people to kneel in subservience, even to a God. | 3 | 21878 | $76.55 |
| Not celebrating the birthday of one of the Gods who remembers when his birthday is and makes a big deal about it. | 4 | 528792 | $122.12 |
| Celebrating the birthday of any God who is on the outs with any other God. | 2 | 528792 | $88.77 |
| Not giving a God—any God—a present on His or Her birthday or wedding anniversary. | 3 | 528792 | $99.36 |
| Pretending to be religious just to get the holidays. | 1 | 448 | $2.36 |
| Pretending to be religious just to get the choirboys and/or choirgirls. | 5 | 448 | $67.92 |
| Pretending to be religious just to get a jail sentence reduced. | 1 | 448 | $2.36 |
| Pretending to be religious just to get committed to a mental institution. | 1 | 448 | $2.36 |
| Pretending to be religious just to get a religious person into bed with you. | 2 | 448 | $10.32 |
| Screaming "Oh, God!" when you climax and then not paying a royalty to the church afterward. | 4 | 1989798793 | $1,832.44 |
| Saying "God damn it" without clearly specifying which God you would like to have damn it. | 1 | 3879 | $4.91 |
| Saying "thank God" without clearly specifying which God you are thanking. | 1 | 3879 | $4.91 |
| Saying "bless you" every goddamn time someone sneezes. Don't you think the Gods have better things to do with their time than bless every silly twit who sneezes? | 4 | 3879 | $18.67 |
| Praying in a language that the God you are praying to is not fluent in. | 3 | 4187 | $17.76 |
| Hearing a God's calling and letting your answering machine pick it up. | 2 | 8977987 | $97.82 |
| Hearing a God speak directly to you, but then snickering at His or Her weird accent. | 2 | 8977987 | $97.82 |
| Being an atheist without written permission from one of the Gods. | 4 | 3 | $8.99 |
| Impersonating a member of the clergy and then not turning over to the church any donations you collect. | 5 | 1829799879279879 | $21,868.03 |
| Dancing naked in a place of worship without the permission or, preferably, the request of the presiding member of the clergy. | 1 | 341 | $2.01 |
| Exposing considerable cleavage, but then turning away from a God. The male Gods like to ogle. | 5 | 718798179879 | $13,989.99 |
| Having sex in a place of worship with someone other than a member of the clergy. | 2 | 63879 | $71.23 |
| Stealing money from the collection plate and then not returning it with interest at a usury rate. | 5 | 2532782902978799 | $23,333.82 |
| Refusing to be baptized in any liquid other than Veuve Clicquot champagne. | 2 | 8197 | $22.34 |
| Pissing in a baptismal font. | 3 | 8197 | $31.87 |
| Allowing yourself to be baptized in a urinal. | 3 | 8197 | $31.87 |
| Forgetting the Sabbath and where you put your keys. | 1 | 52 | $0.76 |
| Working on the Sabbath. | 2 | 52 | $1.22 |
| Expecting clergy to work on the Sabbath. | 4 | 52 | $6.98 |
| Suffering a witch to live. | 1 | 38790 | $7.16 |
| Believing that there really are such things as witches with supernatural powers, as opposed to people who dress up as witches and collect candy on Halloween. | 3 | 38790 | $25.87 |
| Celebrating Halloween. | 1 | 2 | $0.42 |
| Not celebrating Halloween. | 4 | 2 | $2.39 |
| Gambling inside a church without cutting the clergy in on the house's take; bingo included. | 5 | 827970979 | $8,753.67 |
| Drinking the blood of any Children of any Gods. | 3 | 2487987 | $112.26 |
| Eating the flesh of any Children of any Gods. | 3 | 2487987 | $112.26 |
| Attempting to change processed foods into the blood or flesh of any Children of any Gods. | 4 | 2487987 | $136.98 |
| Asking for a doggy bag to take out any sacramental foods that are generally expected to be eaten in the place of worship. | 1 | 678 | $2.21 |
| Not saying anything titillating while in a confessional. | 3 | 58790979 | $45.81 |
| Burning down a place of worship that has not been adequately insured. | 5 | 3429798298179829 | $27,980.12 |
| Believing in a false god. | 2 | 1 | $0.42 |
| Not believing in a true God. | 4 | 1 | $1.61 |
| Guessing at a true or false question on a test of your knowledge of the Gods. | 1 | 387987 | $9.25 |
| Making a cast idol. | 3 | 1 | $0.73 |
| Watching American Idol. | 4 | 38790 | $68.92 |
| Trying to negotiate a discount in the price of a dispensation. | 5 | 92798719 | $6,879.22 |
| Scalping dispensations without turning the profits over to the church. | 5 | 92798719 | $6,879.22 |
| Questioning the prices charged for dispensations, no matter how irrational the pricing may seem. | 5 | 8379790799387909797 | $1,045,995.99 |
| Questioning the prices charged for dispensations, no matter how illogical the pricing may seem. | 1 | 83 | $1.95 |
| Questioning the prices charged for dispensations, no matter how baseless the pricing may seem. | 4 | 387491788798 | $556.98 |
Sin Dispensations |
