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Republic of Shalampax An Inane Island in an Insane World |
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Republic of Shalampax An Inane Island in an Insane World |
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The following chart is a partial list of dispensation fees for buying salvation from the Church of Infinitiaty after taking an action against another person that one or more of the Gods considers to be a sin.
You would think that Gods, being omnipotent beings, wouldn't care about our interactions with other people, particularly Gods who created other Gods, but not us. You would think that, but it's not true. Most of the Gods are inveterate busybodies when it comes to what we do among ourselves. Consequently, most of them have rules against doing just about anything that involves other people. Therefore, unless you're a recluse, these dispensations could get to be extremely expensive over the course of your life. You might consider becoming a hermit.
For a definition of the contents of the following table's columns, please see the Infinitiaty Dispensations main page. There, you will also find dispensation package deals that cover dispensation for bundles of sins and monthly dispensation subscriptions that can be used for multiple sins across sin categories.
The prices below are quoted per occurrence of the listed sin.
| Sin | Sin Level | God# | Dispensation Price |
| Coveting your neighbor's wife (if you are a man). | 2 | 2746982 | $27.89 |
| Coveting your neighbor's wife (if you are a woman). | 2 | 2746982 | $27.89 |
| Coveting your neighbor's husband (if you are a woman). | 2 | 2746982 | $27.89 |
| Coveting your neighbor's husband (if you are a man). | 2 | 2746982 | $27.89 |
| Committing adultery with a neighbor you coveted. | 4 | 724687264 | $256.82 |
| Committing adultery with a neighbor you did not covet. | 3 | 724687264 | $233.65 |
| Committing adultery with someone other than a neighbor, coveted or not. | 2 | 724687264 | $198.12 |
| Bearing false witness against your neighbor. (Anyone two or more doors away is fair game.) | 1 | 8372 | $21.32 |
| Witnessing your neighbor's bare falsies. | 3 | 346 | $32.67 |
| Ignoring a friend beside you so you can talk to someone on your cell phone. | 4 | 8239687618 | $458.52 |
| Ignoring a friend beside you so you can respond to an email on your Blackberry. | 4 | 8239687618 | $458.52 |
| Committing one murder. | 5 | 1 | $75.25 |
| Committing two to five murders. (If all dispensations are purchased at the same time.) | 5 | 1 | $70.98 |
| Committing six to 19 murders. (If all dispensations are purchased at the same time.) | 5 | 1 | $65.21 |
| Committing more than 20 murders. (If all dispensations are purchased at the same time.) | 5 | 1 | $55.98 |
| Killing thousands of people without first obtaining a sanction from the U.N. | 5 | 3 | $98.39 |
| Laying waste to a land and its people without the explicit instructions of a God. | 5 | 1 | $75.25 |
| Sticking your nose into someone else's business. | 1 | 376287 | $34.34 |
| Sticking your penis into someone else's business. | 3 | 376287 | $83.11 |
| Sticking your breasts into someone else's business. | 2 | 376287 | $70.87 |
| Sticking your tongue into someone else's business. | 1 | 376287 | $61.74 |
| Looking at someone the wrong way. | 2 | 2788 | $17.95 |
| Looking at someone the right way. | 1 | 8269 | $17.64 |
| Looking away in someone's presence. | 1 | 87468 | $18.12 |
| Borrowing a cooking utensil and not returning it. | 1 | 377 | $9.98 |
| Borrowing a cup of sugar or flour and not returning it. | 1 | 377 | $9.98 |
| Borrowing a cup of sugar or flour, but then returning a cup that contains different sugar or flour. | 2 | 377 | $13.81 |
| Borrowing a ladder and not returning it. | 1 | 377 | $9.98 |
| Borrowing a lawnmower and not returning it. | 2 | 377 | $13.81 |
| Borrowing hand tools and not returning them. | 2 | 377 | $13.81 |
| Borrowing power tools and not returning them. | 3 | 377 | $17.38 |
| Borrowing a chainsaw, hacking up its owner with it, and then keeping the chainsaw. | 4 | 9784987242 | $571.71 |
| Borrowing a shovel, using it to bury the chainsaw owner you hacked, and then keeping the chainsaw and the shovel. | 5 | 9784987242 | $856.23 |
| Using a crane to turn someone else's frown upside down. | 1 | 7686 | $15.39 |
| Making a face that frightens children. | 1 | 389 | $12.51 |
| Making a face that frightens accountants. | 2 | 79198 | $36.78 |
| Making a face that frightens axe murderers. | 3 | 91738 | $59.28 |
| Murdering an axe that is not your property. | 1 | 1768 | $12.38 |
| Accidentally bumping into someone on the sidewalk. | 1 | 276 | $9.16 |
| Intentionally bumping into someone in the sidewalk. | 2 | 276 | $12.62 |
| Intentionally bumping into someone in the sidewalk while exposing your genitals. | 3 | 1879873 | $28.91 |
| In the presence of other people, farting three or more silent, but smelly farts in less than two minutes. | 2 | 38791 | $19.99 |
| In the presence of other people, farting three or more loud, smelly farts in less than two minutes. | 3 | 38791 | $25.75 |
| Spitting on the sidewalk when your spit has to first roll down the face of another person before it can reach the sidewalk. | 2 | 287987 | $69.69 |
| Robbing someone of his or her dignity. | 2 | 892879 | $73.38 |
| Robbing someone of his or her dignity, but then feeling guilty and giving it back. | 1 | 892879 | $56.29 |
| Exerting more than one kilopascal of pressure more than the population norm when shaking someone's hand, but without causing injury to you or the other person. | 1 | 29108734 | $71.64 |
| Ripping someone's hand off in the process of shaking it. | 3 | 2897818782 | $193.12 |
| Allowing a large package you are carrying to accidentally brush up against someone. | 1 | 39 | $14.69 |
| Intentionally trying to shove a large package you are carrying down someone's throat. | 3 | 384797 | $117.32 |
Stealing a bowl of guacamole. |
3 | 4387 | $21.48 |
| Stealing a bag of corn chips. | 3 | 4387 | $21.48 |
| Stealing a bowl of guacamole and a bag of corn chips. | 1 | 4387 | $13.61 |
| Stealing anything else. (This is not a sin if the proceeds of the theft are to be given to the Church of Infinitiaty. In addition, an exemption to the commandment against stealing is granted if someone is on base and the pitcher is distracted.) | 2 | 628479 | $70.31 |
| Beating someone with a baseball bat. | 4 | 379709 | $184.56 |
| Beating someone with a cricket bat. | 4 | 837787 | $202.51 |
| Beating someone with a hockey stick (except during a hockey game). | 5 | 387889797 | $672.41 |
| Beating someone with a hockey stick (during a hockey game). | 1 | 2 | $0.42 |
| Beating someone with a wet noodle. | 1 | 2876 | $11.11 |
| Beating someone with a dry noodle. | 2 | 2876 | $17.92 |
| Beating the living crap out of someone. | 4 | 868241 | $206.27 |
| Beating the dead crap out of someone. | 4 | 868241 | $206.27 |
| Beating someone without causing the discharge of any crap. | 3 | 868241 | $131.87 |
| Browbeating someone anywhere other than on the brow. | 2 | 78348 | $28.63 |
| Jumping for Joy without Joy's permission. | 3 | 23819873434 | $189.34 |
| Torturing people simply because you enjoy doing so. | 4 | 898798798299 | $618.69 |
| Torturing people in an attempt to extract important information that might be useful for protecting the nation's security. | 2 | 898798798299 | $481.79 |
| Being a big enough idiot to think that people who you, rightly or wrongly, believe are incorrigible, villainous scumbags won't simply make stuff up so you'll stop torturing them. | 5 | 898798798299 | $939.25 |
| Having sex with your wife's sister. | 2 | 297987 | $65.89 |
| Having sex with your husband's brother. | 2 | 297987 | $65.89 |
| Having sex with your wife's brother. | 2 | 297987 | $65.89 |
| Having sex with your husband's sister. | 2 | 297987 | $65.89 |
| Having sex with your spouse's second cousin, twice removed. | 1 | 862 | $8.82 |
| Twice removing your spouse's second cousin from your bed after having sex with him or her. | 3 | 138862 | $78.37 |
| Blowing smoke up someone's ass (figuratively). | 1 | 31 | $5.55 |
| Blowing smoke up someone's ass (literally). | 2 | 5827 | $19.45 |
| Kissing someone's ass (literally) without his or her express permission. | 2 | 4899 | $23.85 |
| Not honoring your mother and your father. | 3 | 1 | $7.76 |
| Not honoring your children. | 3 | 3 | $14.32 |
| Not honoring the person you're sleeping with. | 4 | 3879 | $158.92 |
| Not honoring legal tender. | 1 | 2 | $0.42 |
| Running with scissors with the sole intent of defying and pissing off your mother. | 2 | 28648 | $31.78 |
| Depriving an employer of productive capacity by surfing the Web at work. | 1 | 2 | $0.42 |
Sin Dispensations |
