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Republic of Shalampax An Inane Island in an Insane World |
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Republic of Shalampax An Inane Island in an Insane World |
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The following chart is a partial list of dispensation fees for buying salvation from the Church of Infinitiaty after you have, in the opinion of one or more of the Gods, committed a sin against yourself.
It's hard to imagine that these Gods are up there worrying about stuff you do that affects only yourself. And in most of the cases, that is, in fact, true. Most of them don't give a damn about what you do to yourself. And many of them are far too narcissistic (wouldn't you be if you were a god?) to worry about that. But, with an infinity of Gods, there have to be a few Assholes who are Sadists and are just itching to spoil your fun. So if you don't want to face eternal damnation, you definitely should consider buying absolution.
For a definition of the contents of the following table's columns, please see the Infinitiaty Dispensations main page. There, you will also find dispensation package deals that cover dispensation for bundles of sins and monthly dispensation subscriptions that can be used for multiple sins across sin categories.
The prices below are quoted per occurrence of the listed sin.
| Sin | Sin Level | God# | Dispensation Price |
| Masturbating using your non-dominant hand. | 2 | 974 | $17.95 |
| Masturbating using your dominant hand. | 1 | 974 | $12.38 |
| Masturbating with either hand if ambidextrous. | 1 | 974 | $12.38 |
| Masturbating using both hands at once | 3 | 974 | $29.32 |
| Masturbating using some other body part. | 3 | 974 | $29.32 |
| Masturbating using a battery operated device. | 2 | 974 | $17.95 |
| Masturbating using a manually-operated device. | 1 | 974 | $12.38 |
| Refusing to masturbate despite (secretly or not) really, really wanting to. | 4 | 974 | $44.92 |
| Piercing a hole in one of your earlobes. | 2 | 374618276 | $41.76 |
| Piercing a hole anywhere else in one of your ears. | 3 | 374618276 | $58.27 |
| Piercing a hole in your lip (upper or lower). | 3 | 374618276 | $58.27 |
| Piecing a hole in your tongue. | 4 | 374618276 | $78.97 |
| Piercing a hole in your chin. | 4 | 374618276 | $78.97 |
| Piercing a hole in your nose. | 2 | 374618276 | $41.76 |
| Piercing a hole in your navel. | 2 | 374618276 | $41.76 |
| Piercing a hole in one or both of your nipples. | 4 | 374618276 | $78.97 |
| Piercing a hole in your genital area. | 5 | 374618276 | $123.85 |
| Piercing a hole in any other part of your body. | 4 | 374618276 | $78.97 |
| Hanging jewelry in a hole in your ear (lobe or otherwise) or nose. | 1 | 276868277 | $32.76 |
| Hanging jewelry in a hole in your tongue, lip or chin. | 2 | 276868277 | $49.27 |
| Hanging jewelry in a hole in your nipples or navel. | 3 | 276868277 | $68.99 |
| Hanging jewelry in a hole in your genital area. | 5 | 276868277 | $98.23 |
| Hanging jewelry in a hole in any body area not mentioned above. | 4 | 276868277 | $69.28 |
| Thinking of only yourself. | 1 | 24 | $8.76 |
| Considering—even just considering—doing something altruistic. | 2 | 551 | $13.89 |
| Watching reality shows. | 3 | 4214 | $37.77 |
| Watching game shows. | 3 | 4214 | $37.77 |
| Watching FOX "News." | 5 | 4214 | $47.36 |
| Watching a show-business awards show on television. | 3 | 4214 | $37.77 |
| Watching a show-business awards show in person. | 4 | 4214 | $41.25 |
| Spending any time speculating on who is going to win an upcoming show-business award. | 4 | 4214 | $41.25 |
| Not insolently walking away when somebody recaps and/or comments on the previous night's show-business awards show. | 4 | 4214 | $41.25 |
| Watching porn films or "reading" porn magazines. | 1 | 2 | $0.42 |
| Refusing to watch porn films or "read" porn magazines despite (secretly or not) really, really wanting to. | 3 | 4176882 | $55.76 |
| Running a marathon through a bramble patch while naked. | 4 | 32897 | $46.78 |
| Running a marathon. | 2 | 3412 | $31.22 |
| Beating yourself up (figuratively) for having made an honest mistake. | 1 | 7761 | $16.99 |
| Beating yourself up (figuratively) for having made a dishonest mistake. | 2 | 7761 | $26.78 |
| Beating yourself up for having made an honest or dishonest mistake and causing injury to yourself in the process. | 3 | 7761 | $39.33 |
| Believing that electing one politician or another will actually change things. | 4 | 3284186 | $57.88 |
| Loathing yourself without justification. | 1 | 341234 | $23.99 |
| Not loathing yourself when doing so would be justified. | 3 | 341234 | $45.76 |
| Thinking highly of yourself when you are more than two inches (5.08 centimeters) shorter than the average height for your ethnic group and sex. | 2 | 9789 | $15.88 |
| Thinking impure thoughts. | 1 | 4251 | $14.44 |
| Purifying your thoughts without bothering to think them afterward. | 3 | 4251 | $27.98 |
| Having your girlfriend's, boyfriend's or spouse's name tattooed on any part of your body. (An exemption is granted if the probability of a breakup is less than 50 percent, such as if you've been told that you have only an hour to live.) | 3 | 2879927 | $51.11 |
| Having anything tattooed on your genitals. (An exemption is granted if three or more reputable psychiatrists have certified that you are a complete, raving lunatic.) | 5 | 2879927 | $101.01 |
| Having anything tattooed anywhere on your body (other than the above). | 2 | 2879927 | $44.44 |
| Smoking dope. | 1 | 98 | $9.33 |
| Smoking a dope named Fred, Mary or Mergatroyd. | 4 | 98 | $39.24 |
| Helping someone by bending over backwards without a spotter present. | 1 | 38719 | $19.99 |
| Paying attention to your horoscope for any reason other than a good laugh. | 3 | 891798 | $43.82 |
| Crossing your fingers in the hope that it will bring you good luck. | 3 | 891798 | $43.82 |
| Crossing your heart and hoping to die and then not doing so. | 4 | 287987 | $48.34 |
| Playing in traffic without wearing a helmet and without carrying ID that can be used to identify your body. | 4 | 8379879 | $72.38 |
| Allowing yourself to become a little overweight. | 1 | 312 | $10.95 |
| Allowing yourself to become obese. | 2 | 312 | $14.95 |
| Allowing yourself to become morbidly obese. | 3 | 312 | $17.95 |
| Allowing yourself to become a little thin. | 1 | 312 | $10.95 |
| Allowing yourself to be come so thin that you need to tether yourself to the ground so a gentle breeze won't carry you away. | 3 | 312 | $17.95 |
| Allowing yourself to be such a perfect weight that you induce enough envy to make you a frequent target of violence. | 4 | 312 | $25.87 |
Sin Dispensations |
