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Infinitiaty

Visit the Church of Infinitiaty Web site at infinitiaty.org.

Infinitiaty is the ultimate religion. Infiniatians, as believers of Infinitiaty are called, don't believe in just one god. Nor do they believe in only a measly few gods. They believe that there are an infinite number Gods, each of Whom is infinite in nature.

The logic of Infinitiaty is irrefutable. The followers of monotheistic or finite polytheistic alleged religions will tell you that there must be a god because nothing can exist without being created. Therefore, according to the monotheists and finite polytheists, if there is a universe that includes planets, stars, creatures and a whole bunch of other cool and not-so-cool stuff within it, there must be a Creator.

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Infinitians couldn't agree more. However, following that logic, if there is a Creator, there must be a Creator of that Creator. And there must be a Creator of the Creator of the Creator. And there must be a Creator of the Creator of the Creator of the Creator. And there must be a ... well, you get the point. Ergo, there must be an infinite number of Gods.

From this, it logically follows that no One is ultimately in charge. We are beholden to our Creator, who is beholden to His Creator, who is beholden to Her Creator, who is beholden to His Creator, who is beholden ... well, you get the point. All of us, even the omnipotent Gods, are beholden to Someone.

We believe that all Gods are infinite in nature because They might get upset if we suggested that there are any limits on Them, so it's easiest to just believe in their infiniteness without question and not worry our pretty little heads about it. Mortal life is far too short for that.

Because we have conclusively proven that there are an infinite number of Infinite Gods, it incontrovertibly follows that creationism, not evolutionism is the explanation for the existence of us and the other creatures. Otherwise, what would be the point of all of those Gods if they just sat around waiting for stuff to evolve?

Inevitably, because there are an infinite number of Gods, there are an infinite number of Godly personalities. For instance, there are many Practical Jokers among them.

The Practical Jokers have carried out a number of gags over the millennia, but, keeping with the creationism versus evolution theme, here's just one example: The original bible written by our Creator specifically and extensively discussed dinosaurs so people who read the Good Book wouldn't think that our Creator was such an unobservant and/or forgetful clod as to not notice or to forget about such powerful beasts, many of which would have towered over the humans and other animals, such as lambs, that get so much play in the bible. But one of the higher Gods, Nobody is saying Whom, erased all mention of the dinosaurs so we might draw the conclusion that our Creator is a buffoon. By the time our Creator was made aware of the erasure—why would He bother rereading an already perfect book that He Himself wrote?—the bible had already been widely circulated and it would have been too difficult to recall it. Are these Guys and Gals fun, or what?

The existence of an infinite number of Gods explains a lot of "natural" phenomena. For example, why don't we fall off the Earth? Scientists say that it's because of gravity, but they're very vague on exactly how gravity works. They say that anything with mass has gravity, but they can't tell us why or how. Clearly, they're just blowing smoke up our asses.

Here's the real story. Each God is amorphous, ethereal and invisible, thus He or She exerts virtually no pressure on any one point in space. Therefore, the pressure of a single God would not be enough to hold us on Earth. However, with an infinite number of Gods each enveloping Each Other and, ultimately, enveloping Earth ... well, multiply virtually no pressure by infinity and you end up with something really, really, really potent. The pressure of the infinite number of Infinite Gods is more than enough to keep us firmly planted on Earth. In fact, it's a wonder that we aren't crushed by all of that pressure, which is yet another proof that Gods exist to protect us.

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Infinitiaty is a humble religion. Despite being 100 percent certain of the rightness of the tenets of our religion, we recognize that we don't have all of the answers. For example, while we often view our universe as the lowest level of creation, is that really the case? If, as we've proved, there is an infinite regress of Creators above our Creator, then doesn't it seem logical that our Creator created a God that created another universe and another God, Who created ...? Well, let's not get into that loop again.

Then the question arises, if there is also an infinite regress of Creators below our Creator, do we have to worry about those Gods as well? Some Infinitian scholars suggest that, because They are subordinate to our Creator and to the higher-order Gods, the lower-order Gods can all go screw Themselves. If we keep our Creator happy, these scholars argue, He'll keep His underlings in line for us.

Other Infinitian scholars argue the contrary. They say that the gods created by our Creator are like children to Him and the Creations of those Creations are like grandchildren to Him and the ... SHIT, here we go again. To make a long story short, according to this second group of scholars, He will be royally pissed off if we don't show His Creations a little respect.

The debate continues, but neither often nor intensely because it hurts our heads.

Having an infinite number of Gods means that we also have an infinite number of sins. This could be an obvious problem because absolutely everything is a sin. This would make it difficult to avoid damnation. But, not to fear. You can buy dispensations to absolve you of any sin. Click here to see a dispensation price list.

Sign of our Lords
The Sign of our Lords

Worship

How do you worship an infinite number of Gods? Obviously, you can't. That creates a dilemma.

Should we worship solely our Creator and hope that He'll pass our prayers up to His Creator? That sounds like a good plan, but what do we really know about our Creator's nature? Maybe He's lazy and won't be bothered to pass along our prayers and praises. Or maybe He's the sort of God who will blame us for everything that goes wrong down here on Earth, but He will take credit for everything that goes right.

Even if He does pass along our prayers and praises and He is willing to give credit where credit is due, how do we know that His Creator will pass that up the godly chain of command? Maybe She'll keep it to herself. Then Her Creator might reach down through the universes and crush us because of unjustified rage.

With an infinite number of Gods, it's inevitable that our prayers and praises will eventually be blocked on the way up. And where does that leave us?

One answer would be to pray to only the Ultimate God, Who will then offer us protection from all of the lower-level Gods. Oh, really? And how exactly would we go about doing that?

If there are an infinite number of Gods then there are no Ultimate Gods and an infinite number of Ultimate Gods, all at the same time. There's no way we could possibly wrap our feeble, mortal minds around that concept so we just say, "screw it." Consequently, we don't spend any time worshipping. We have a lot more fun that way and we piss off all Gods equally, without discriminating against any of them.

Despite not attending services, we frequently, i.e., whenever the spirit strikes us, stop wherevever we are and use our hand to trace The Sign of our Lords—a horizontal figure-eight—over our chests. This draws a lot of stares from non-believers, but we don't care because Gods are great.

Men—believers and non-believers alike—enjoy watching women make The Sign over their chests because in doing so, the women overtly and voluntarily draw attention to their breasts. This allows men to ogle without being chastized for it. By ogling, men are simply honoring the making of The Sign.

Women enjoy making The Sign over their chests because it feels good when they—accidentally, of course—make contact with themselves while making The Sign over and over again in rapture over the blessings of Gods.

Afterlife

Infinitians believe that there is no afterlife because, with an infinite number of Gods, all of whom need to be accommodated in the lifestyles They deserve, there's no room in heaven for us mortals.

Commandments

Dietary Laws

Dietary rules are another horrible problem in a universe with an infinite number of Gods. No matter what the type of food, there will inevitably be one, and almost certainly several, Gods who will be irate beyond belief should you consume that type of food. Likewise, no matter what the type of food, there will inevitably be one, and almost certainly several, Gods who will consider that food to be special and view its consumption by humans to be a ritual for honoring Them.

As a result, we should never eat any food whatsoever, while simultaneously consuming every food continuously. Clearly, this is impossible.

We could choose to do one or the other. However, if we eat every food continuously we would quickly become larger than a planet except for the fact that our grossly morbid obesity would kill us long before we came close to reaching that point. And if we never eat any food whatsoever we'd die even faster.

Consequently, Infinitians eat whatever the hell they want, whenever the hell they want to eat it and nervously watch the sky for lightning.

Holidays

Every day is a holiday. How could it be otherwise in a world with an infinite number of Gods? Unfortunately, our material needs and greeds require that we occasionally work. Thus, we work when we want to work and use the "religious holiday" excuse whenever we want to take off. No one can refuse us our time off because to do so would restrict our right to practice our religion.

Tithing

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This is no chickenshit religion. With an infinite number of Gods to keep happy, there's a lot that our church has to do. We can never have enough money to do it all.

We need to come as close as possible to building an infinite number of Houses of Gods. We need to come as close as possible to making an infinite number of offerings to the Gods. And, as if that's not enough, we also have the expense of coming as close as possible to hiring an infinite number of Infinitian scholars to research ways to play one God off against the Others.

Thus, in the name of Higher Purposes, all church members are encouraged to send to the church every spare dollar they come across. In addition, church members are reminded that, when it is done in the name of an infinite number of Infinite Gods, theft can't possibly be wrong—as long as 100 percent of the proceeds of the crimes are sent to the church, where they will, of course, be used for Higher Purposes.

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