Proof of Paahlm
Unbelievably, there are still skeptics in this world who either doubt or outright disbelieve that Paahlm
exists and He is the one true God. This is shocking considering the
numerous tangible confirmations of His existence and His Godliness. The
following are just a few of the many proofs.
- Miracle: Stickinthemud's prayers are answered
words, "Give me liberty or give me death," have been attributed to
Patrick Henry. He is reputed to have uttered them back in 1775 during
the lead-up to the American Revolution. No one in Shalampax disputes
the attribution to Patrick Henry. We don't know about that sort of
thing and we are far too apathetic to dig through the historical
records to find out.
Nonetheless, we are certain that rallying
cry was issued with no less vigor and conviction in 1967 by
Stickinthemud, a Shalampaxian who, apart from his famous proclamation
(or, possibly, his plagiarism of it from Patrick Henry), was a man of
few words and fewer cerebral neurons and synapses. On July 1, 1967,
Stickinthemud climbed to our building's roof and shouted those
celebrated words. Paahlm, blessed be He, answered Stickinthemud's
prayer less than one second after he belted out the final syllable. At
that precise moment, one of the almost nonstop violent winds that pass
over Shalampax on their way to someplace worth blustering against
picked up a coconut from our palm patch and thrust it viciously against
Stickinthemud's head, killing him instantly.
The fact that it
was a coconut, the seed of the coconut palm tree, Paahlm's physical
manifestation on earth, leaves no doubt that it was, indeed,
Paahlm who answered Stickinthemud's prayer.
Some skeptics posit
that the fact that it was the second option in Stickinthemud's prayer,
death, rather than the first, liberty, that was fulfilled suggests that
Stickinthemud's death was a random act of nature rather than a
deliberate act of God. This is ludicrous. Stickinthemud was considered
by one and all (with the exception of Stickinthemud himself) to be a
major pain in the neck who also had a pathologically bad sense of
humor. It is unanimously (unanimous now that Stickinthemud is dead)
agreed that we are much better off without him. Therefore, by honoring
the death option of Stickinthemud's prayer rather than the liberty
option, Paahlm, blessed be He, simultaneously answered the prayers of
Stickinthemud and all other Shalampaxians. Thus, Paahlm exists and is
- Miracle: Lightning strikes
a margin so wide as to be proof of a god in itself, lightning strikes
Shalampax more frequently than any other place on earth. Yet,
relatively few Shalampaxians have been killed by lightning. This proves
that Paahlm exists and is using his Godly powers to protect us. QED.
Some have suggested that Paahlm must not exist because, if He did,
rather than going to the trouble of sparing us from death by
electrocution, He would not shoot so many lightning bolts at us in the
first place, not to mention preventing the frequent bombardment of us
by major hurricanes. Nonsense. The hurricanes and lightning are all
part of Paahlm's great plan. Paahlm is God; we are mere mortals. We
can't possibly hope to understand His great plan. Our role is merely to
suffer gracefully under it.)
- Sign: Coconuts and banana
two coconuts and place them side-by-side on a flat surface. Place a
banana immediately below and between the two coconuts. The image you
create will bear an unmistakable resemblance to the male genitalia of
humans (and many other mammals). The male genitalia are,
understandably, a widely recognized fertility symbol, particularly in
male-dominated societies. The ability to fashion so readily a fertility
symbol from coconuts, the fruit (actually, nuts) of the blessed coconut
palm tree, and a banana, the reputed favorite fruit of the other
primates from which many ridiculous evolutionists inanely claim we have
evolved, is a clear sign from Paahlm, our God, that He bore us out of coconuts, rather than us having evolving from other primates. Thus, Paahlm exists and is God. QED.
- Sign: Tough coconuts
their size, coconuts, which contain the seeds of the blessed coconut
palm, are the hardest nuts known to man (or woman). Rather, we should
say they are the hardest large nuts known to Shalampaxians, but that
could be just because we are too indolent to research the subject. It
is unimaginable, or, at least, unimaginable to Shalampaxians who, by
nature, are blazingly unimaginative, that a nut that large could be
that tough. Ergo, coconuts must have been created by a god. Hence,
Paahlm exists and is God. QED.
- Syllogism: Universal existence
universe exists despite the absence of any rational explanation for its
formation other than the "big bang" theory, which only begs the
questions what preceded and what instigated the big bang; The coconut
palm patch on Shalmapax exists despite near-constant hurricane force
winds that should have destroyed the sacred palm trees centuries ago;
Therefore Paahlm exists and is God. QED.
© Copyright Klebanoff Associates, Inc. and Joel Klebanoff, 2007-2012. All rights reserved.
Shalampax and Shalampaxian are trademarks of Klebanoff Associates, Inc.