Proof of Paahlm

Unbelievably, there are still skeptics in this world who either doubt or outright disbelieve that Paahlm exists and He is the one true God. This is shocking considering the numerous tangible confirmations of His existence and His Godliness. The following are just a few of the many proofs.

Miracle: Stickinthemud's prayers are answered

The words, "Give me liberty or give me death," have been attributed to Patrick Henry. He is reputed to have uttered them back in 1775 during the lead-up to the American Revolution. No one in Shalampax disputes the attribution to Patrick Henry. We don't know about that sort of thing and we are far too apathetic to dig through the historical records to find out.

Nonetheless, we are certain that rallying cry was issued with no less vigor and conviction in 1967 by Stickinthemud, a Shalampaxian who, apart from his famous proclamation (or, possibly, his plagiarism of it from Patrick Henry), was a man of few words and fewer cerebral neurons and synapses. On July 1, 1967, Stickinthemud climbed to our building's roof and shouted those celebrated words. Paahlm, blessed be He, answered Stickinthemud's prayer less than one second after he belted out the final syllable. At that precise moment, one of the almost nonstop violent winds that pass over Shalampax on their way to someplace worth blustering against picked up a coconut from our palm patch and thrust it viciously against Stickinthemud's head, killing him instantly.

The fact that it was a coconut, the seed of the coconut palm tree, Paahlm's physical manifestation on earth, leaves no doubt that it was, indeed, Paahlm who answered Stickinthemud's prayer.

Some skeptics posit that the fact that it was the second option in Stickinthemud's prayer, death, rather than the first, liberty, that was fulfilled suggests that Stickinthemud's death was a random act of nature rather than a deliberate act of God. This is ludicrous. Stickinthemud was considered by one and all (with the exception of Stickinthemud himself) to be a major pain in the neck who also had a pathologically bad sense of humor. It is unanimously (unanimous now that Stickinthemud is dead) agreed that we are much better off without him. Therefore, by honoring the death option of Stickinthemud's prayer rather than the liberty option, Paahlm, blessed be He, simultaneously answered the prayers of Stickinthemud and all other Shalampaxians. Thus, Paahlm exists and is God. QED.
Miracle: Lightning strikes

By a margin so wide as to be proof of a god in itself, lightning strikes Shalampax more frequently than any other place on earth. Yet, relatively few Shalampaxians have been killed by lightning. This proves that Paahlm exists and is using his Godly powers to protect us. QED.

(Note: Some have suggested that Paahlm must not exist because, if He did, rather than going to the trouble of sparing us from death by electrocution, He would not shoot so many lightning bolts at us in the first place, not to mention preventing the frequent bombardment of us by major hurricanes. Nonsense. The hurricanes and lightning are all part of Paahlm's great plan. Paahlm is God; we are mere mortals. We can't possibly hope to understand His great plan. Our role is merely to suffer gracefully under it.)
Sign: Coconuts and banana

Take two coconuts and place them side-by-side on a flat surface. Place a banana immediately below and between the two coconuts. The image you create will bear an unmistakable resemblance to the male genitalia of humans (and many other mammals). The male genitalia are, understandably, a widely recognized fertility symbol, particularly in male-dominated societies. The ability to fashion so readily a fertility symbol from coconuts, the fruit (actually, nuts) of the blessed coconut palm tree, and a banana, the reputed favorite fruit of the other primates from which many ridiculous evolutionists inanely claim we have evolved, is a clear sign from Paahlm, our God, that He bore us out of coconuts, rather than us having evolving from other primates. Thus, Paahlm exists and is God. QED.
Sign: Tough coconuts

For their size, coconuts, which contain the seeds of the blessed coconut palm, are the hardest nuts known to man (or woman). Rather, we should say they are the hardest large nuts known to Shalampaxians, but that could be just because we are too indolent to research the subject. It is unimaginable, or, at least, unimaginable to Shalampaxians who, by nature, are blazingly unimaginative, that a nut that large could be that tough. Ergo, coconuts must have been created by a god. Hence, Paahlm exists and is God. QED.
Syllogism: Universal existence

The universe exists despite the absence of any rational explanation for its formation other than the "big bang" theory, which only begs the questions what preceded and what instigated the big bang; The coconut palm patch on Shalmapax exists despite near-constant hurricane force winds that should have destroyed the sacred palm trees centuries ago; Therefore Paahlm exists and is God. QED.

	Republic of Shalampax An Inane Island in an Insane World