Republic of Shalampax An Inane Island in an Insane World
The Troubles
In 1956, a rift developed in
Paahlmism (see religion).
A group of dissidents, who came to be known as the Protestors, declared
that our tradition of choosing a different Exalted Coconut for each
service and consistently alternating between males and females (you
should have listened to us the first time we said, "see religion")
was disrespectful of Paahlm and was an excessive sop to the servants of
political correctness. They, led by Rottingleaf, a noted cretin from
way back, insisted that, because Paahlm forced only women's bellies to
swell and It never inflicted the pain of childbirth on men (see creation story),
Paahlm clearly intended men to be the chosen people and, therefore,
only men should be granted the honor of being Exalted Coconuts.
Rottingleaf further argued that choosing a new Exalted Coconut for each
service was a waste of time and didn't give the Exalted Coconut
sufficient opportunity to learn his role and responsibilities.
Rottingleaf suggested that the best approach was to declare the current
Exalted Coconut's position to be permanent. Any guesses as to who held
the position at the time?
The traditional Paahlmists, known as Paahlmolics after the
split, argued
that this was poppycock. They pointed out that Marie had already
explained
about the role that eggs, sperm and fornicating played in making
babies,
rendering the Protestors' argument about men being the chosen people
void.
(If you don't know what the heck we're talking about, get with the
program.
Obviously you didn't take our advice when we said "see religion" or
when we said "see creation
story".)
The Paahlmolics also maintained that Paahlmists had always done things
this way and lightning had, so far, struck down no more than 13% of the
population, so Paahlm was clearly not upset with our existing rituals.
"Furthermore," the Paahlmolics' spokesperson,
Twobirdsinthebush,
noted, "having a permanent Exalted Coconut is dangerous. You know
what they say, 'Power corrupts, but absolute nonsense corrupts
absolutely.'
" Twobirdsinthebush might not have been the best at remembering famous
quotations, but her point was well taken by her fellow Paahlmolics. Of
course, reasoned religious discourse being what it is, the Protestors
had
tuned her out long before she spoke her first word.
A third group, the Abstainers, argued that this conversation
was way
too intense for a people who had discovered language only four years
ago (see history;
maybe you'll listen to us this time). The Abstainers withdrew from the
discussions and took a very long nap, but the arguments between the
Paahlmolics and the Protestors continued and intensified.
Rottingleaf initiated a new ritual of, once a month, holding
a coconut
in each hand, raising them above his head, and leading his followers on
a march around the perimeter of the island while chanting, "laurels
to Paahlm, abstemious be It." Nobody knew why he thought those words
were a good prayer, but it was religion so everyone accepted it
unquestioningly.
The Paahlmolics took exception to this arrogant show of
religious dissidence.
In an attempt to stop the Protestor marches, the Paahlmolics set up
roadblocks
and heaved coconuts at the marchers.
Needless to say, the Protestors took exception to the
Paahlmolics reaction.
After a couple of months of suffering this abuse and responding with
only
verbal protest, Rottingleaf began throwing his two coconuts at the
Paahlmolics
rather than carrying them through to the end of the march. In addition,
his followers began scooping up the coconuts that were thrown at them
and
using the retrieved coconuts to return fire.
It wasn't long before the Paahlmolics threatened to declare
an
independent nation where they would no longer have to risk having their
children corrupted by the Protestors' heathen practices.
The situation threatened to get out of hand when Stonechair,
the brightest
among us (which isn't saying much), reminded us that physical
separation
of the two sects was impossible because we live on an exceptionally
small
island with room for only one building (see architecture; we're not
going to tell you again). "Besides," he said, "none
of us really believes in Paahlmism anyway. We're in it only for the
holidays,
so all of this is unadulterated twaddle." Recognizing the wisdom of
Stonechair's words, we abandoned our differences and went to the pub
for
a beer and some finger foods.
